Awkward Things I Say To Girls


IT ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO SAY AT THE TIME

“I’d like more of you in my lifestyle.”

“You’re not thinkin’ I’m someone else?” Great first line, Tony. I like the approach.

“I know you are not.” Good tactic, Maria. Commit to nothing, wait for Tony’s next move.

“Or that we met before?”

“I know we have not.” Maria’s a pro.

I’m watching West Side Story, and I’m excited. Here’s the moment of truth for Tony.

“I felt . . . ”

Come on, Tony. Enough small talk. Blow us away.

“I knew something never before was going to happen.” Short pause. “Had to happen. But this is so much more.”

Wait. What? Is that even English? Hold on. I can’t believe what I just heard.

See. I swear it isn’t just me. Even Tony, the coolest guy in the coolest gang on the West Side of New York, can’t say anything remotely coherent when he talks to girls.

After I finished watching West Side Story for the first time, I wondered two things: first off, there were three super hot girls who were single at the end of that movie due to gang warfare. How soon before one of the guys in one of the gangs starts dating one of them? Is six weeks enough? Three months? Does it depend on whether he was in the same gang as their boyfriend, or is it worse if it is a guy in the rival gang? What’s the ruling on that? Plus, which girl is the first to start dating again? I say it’s the American girl, and she ends up going for a Shark out of some crazy subconscious blame-issues, and all of the Jet guys are jealous, so it starts the rivalry all over again, until Maria gets wind of the whole thing, and yells at them until they feel guilty, so they all end up getting drunk together at the wedding reception, become friends, and hook up with each other’s sisters, which is pretty much what they all just needed to do from the beginning.

But the other thing I wondered was this. Did the awkwardness of that first interaction not even matter? See, I’m starting to wonder whether it even makes a difference how awkward you are when you talk to girls. It’s all about how interested the girl is in you aside from the things that you say. Or, alternately, how interested she isn’t.

Here’s an example of the latter.

Maybe a year and a half ago, I went to a party with one of my friends. There were all kinds of people there and it really was a lot of fun. I even ran into a girl I knew from high school and caught up a little. But most fun of all, I got a minor slightly-drunk-style crush on a cute and smart-seeming red-haired girl, who kept making fun of me sarcastically, which kind of made me interested.

So when I’m leaving the party, I say this to her: “Hey, listen. I’d like more of you in my lifestyle.”

Okay, so that’s the worst thing ever. Guys: never say that to a girl. Personally, at the (reasonably drunk) time, I thought it accurately conveyed the more-or-less interested state I was in, but when the cruel, cold light of morning cast rays of reality into my hung-over brain, I realized how awkward it sounded when it came out of my mouth.

Ah! But! Remember what Tony said to Maria when they first met? After some “Have we met?” chatter, here’s Tony’s big line:

“I knew something never before was going to happen. Had to happen. But this is so much more.”

Now, seriously. If I walked up to a cute girl at a bar and said that, it would be a disaster, and I’d have to put it in this blog. It is actually a little creepy sounding. Dude, I know she’s been making doe-eyes at you and swaying around, but you can’t let yourself get carried away like that. At least make sentences, is my motto (a motto I relax considerably when writing this blog, for which I apologize, especially if you are the best grammar teacher in the world).

But then again, who cares if you’re awkward? Maria sure didn’t. See, that’s exactly the issue. Maria thinks this guy is all kinds of hot. The girl I said the ridiculous/awkward/creepy thing to about lifestyles, well, I don’t think she did at all. So it doesn’t matter what I would have said. How do I know? Do you remember what Maria said to Tony after his brilliant little speech? She interrupts him to say:

“My hands are cold.”

!

My hands are cold! Brilliant move, Maria. Oh, man, that just killed me to hear it. Because, honestly, everyone knows what happens after that. There’s some physical contact, touching of faces, people call each other “beautiful,” and before you know it, Maria and Tony are making out. Oh, that’s championship level material right there. My hands are cold! That’s just fabulous.

Now, back to my story. And here’s how I know that girl wasn’t that into me, so it didn’t matter what I said. I’m affectionately drunk, which is scientific term for me when I have pretty much any BAC above zero, and I say “I’d like more of you in my lifestyle.” The response?

“Uh, that was kind of an awkward thing to say. No, seriously. That was kind of weird.”

So, right. I think at the time I was annoyed at myself for being such a disaster. But who cares? Someday I’m going to be saying a ridiculous thing to a girl like I always do, but she’s going to cut me off and say her hands are cold, and reach out as though she wants me to hold her hands, and then I’ll know – this one kind of likes me. Just you watch.

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