Awkward Things I Say To Girls


IT ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO SAY AT THE TIME

“Like sexual intercourse. Do you know what that is?”

Last week I went on vacation in Europe with two friends. I viewed this as a good opportunity to say awkward things to international girls. I really didn’t say anything nearly as awkward as what got said to me.

Don’t worry, though, I’m not cured.

An extra-cute girl who looked to be in her early twenties (and who had ribbons in her hair which always just absolutely kill me) sat in the train car with my friends and I on the way to Vienna.

“What are you reading?” I asked her. She had some book in English she was slogging through.

“Oh, it’s a diary of a girl.” I think the girl had AIDS, or knew someone with AIDS. There was definitely AIDS.

To understand why my response was awkward, you have to understand how it was said and why it was said that way. The why is easy: I realized how stupid it was as it was coming out of my mouth. We’ll do how as we go.

“Oh really!” I say, excited because I think I have a funny joke coming. Then, I realize that it isn’t remotely even close to funny, causing me to trail off as I’m saying “I’m writing one of those!” My delivery thus undermined, the post-punchline denouement “What a coincidence.” was crippled to the point of a mumble.

Awkward: yes. Maybe not the most awkward thing I’ve said in the last, um, day. But nowhere near as awkward as the things the Viennese girl said to me later on.
Here’s one:

Viennese girl finds out that I’m trying to learn German, and decides to help. Can you count to ten? she asks. Well, not all the way to ten. I make it to “fünf” and look at her for help.

“Say after me: sechs”

“Say-cks?”

“No, sex. Like sexual intercourse, do you know what that is?”

Context is important. The awkwardness of that comment increased significantly once I found out that she was not, in fact in her early twenties, but was actually 18 and in high school.

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