“Call me back. Bye.”
Oh. Oh dear. We haven’t talked about answering machines yet.
I just spent about 30 minutes trying to figure out if answering machines are to me what spinach is to an awkward Popeye, or like what kryptonite is to a socially super-adept Superman. There were pros and cons. I plotted a graph of accuracy versus humor. I was about to make a PowerPoint presentation. But, look, how about you decide for yourself which interpretation resonates with you the most, while I tell you about an awkward phone conversation I just had with a friend, and we’ll just agree to roll postmodern style.
“Listen, you’re a girl, right?” Sometimes I like to check when I’m about to ask something particularly un-guy-like.
“Uh . . . ”
“I feel like I’m not good at calling girls up after I get their numbers. I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, it’s just that they never call me back.”
“Well, what do you say, typically?”
—
Here’s where we need to pause and have a conversation.
Typically, I’m an answering machine catastrophe. I don’t shut up, is one problem, mostly because I just have a lot to share with the world. The fact that I’ve been encouraged and spoiled is another. Seriously. I have maintained an entire acquaintance relationship with one girl from college through her encouragement (and prompt returning) of my ridiculously long answering machine messages. In high school a girl thought that a message I left her was the “cutest ever.” These bouts of weakness on the parts of my friends have turned me into an answering machine catastrophe, just like grandparents spoiling an unruly child, because the evolution and radioactive spider bite similes didn’t make the cut.
But, honestly. I know how things work. When it comes to new people who don’t know me that well, I generally keep things as snappy, terse, concise, brief, and generally unwordy as my doctor allows without bed rest.
Which, honestly, is the general theme running through all of these blog posts. I know the right thing to do, it’s just a problem of execution. Imagine the League of Nations hitting on girls in a bar.
—
“Well, uh, generally I’d say something like: Hi.”
” . . . that’s it?”
“No, I’m thinking. Shush. Hi. I’m Justin. You might remember me because I’m the guy who talked to you the other night at the bar. Um. Well, you, uh . . .”
” . . . usually, this is what it’s like? Oh, Justin.”
“You be quiet. So anyway, I liked talking to you, so I think we should go out. So. Call me back. Bye.”
“Okay. That’s not going to work at all.”
January 18th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Please, that’s cute! I love it when I make guys nervous (or when they’re nervous to call me/ leave messages)- I thought that most girls did…?
January 19th, 2007 at 5:07 am
I do find that cute, too.
January 28th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Hi,
I found your blog via google by accident and have to admit that youve a really interesting blog :-)
Just saved your feed in my reader, have a nice day :)
January 31st, 2007 at 11:21 am
actually, that would totally work on me. you are to the point, you have enough cojones to actually ask the girl out, you are nervous (ALWAYS flattering)…i don’t really see anything wrong with that.
now, i wouldn’t recommend rambling on and on, telling the answering machine your life story. that would be bad. and don’t be like Fun Bobby–talking and talking without ever closing the deal by asking me out on a date. (Nevermind that i would turn him down anyway).
your goal should be something along these lines: hey, this is justin. i met you at Meat Market’s Bar and Grill the other night. I made the joke about the rubber chicken. Anyway, I had a really good time talking to you and just wanted to see if we could hang out this weekend. I hope you’re available. my number is 555-1234. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye.
Why is this good?
1. she will be able to figure out who you are. for all you know, she could have given out her number to 35 guys. (not that any girl i know actually does that…)
2. you have reminded her that you are funny and charming.
3. she knows why you are calling.
4. she knows the ball is in her court. you didn’t forget to give her your number. (although, in the world of cell phones, this might not be something you would have to worry about anyway.)
5. psycho stalkers don’t leave messages like this. so you probably aren’t crazy.
that’s why this would totally work. you can use it as a script if you want. i won’t tell. but you have a girlfriend right now, so this is all moot anyway.
September 19th, 2007 at 11:15 am
that’s why it will never wor. Martino Heino.
September 29th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
“Hey! You wanna date?”
-My roommate actually used that one, word for word, over the phone.
October 6th, 2007 at 11:45 am
^^^AAAAAAAAHAHAHHA… thats classic!
The nervous-shy thing is loved by women… woop.