Awkward Things I Say To Girls


Being rejected is fantastic. Seriously.

This one kind of amazed me when I figured it out, like 6 months ago, when I was still single.

So, assume you’re single. Hold on. First, let me say that the following is a plausible yet hypothetical situation inspired by, like, my entire freaking website, including the posts that are nothing but a twinkle in my notepad file. This hasn’t happened to me. Yet. Keep this in mind.

Assume there is a guy or girl, depending, that you desperately want to talk to. Say, you’re, I dunno, in the laxative aisle at the drug store and this incredibly smoking-hot person is just achingly close to you in the worst way. Your two choices are obvious: do nothing, or say something. We will exclude any alleged choices that could involve eventual incarceration.

Let’s say you do nothing, which is probably, honestly, what most of us would do, most of the time. You’re going to maybe vascillate a bit and try to think of the perfect thing to say, but by then it’s too late. Immediately and for at least the next week you will feel bad and daydream about what you could say if you had another chance.

Alternately, assume you decide you don’t give a crap (ha!), walk right over to the other side of the laxative aisle, and say,

“Look, I’d like to be a lot more regular about calling you up on the phone. Don’t you think you could give me something that could help me with that?”

I mean, if it were me, that’s definitely what I would say, and you know it. Further assume, for the sake of argument, that the cute girl or hot guy, for, you know, whatever reason, responds with something less affectionate, like,

“Um, that was awkward. Like, that was a really weird thing to say.” Which, by the way, is probably close to the worst possible thing that, in reality, should happen to you in a hitting-on scenario. To like a 99% confidence level. I’m sure you folks have some stories.

Even so, that sucked. But here’s how often you think about that girl again: never, unless you decide to share the hilarious story with an incredulously cringing yet adoring public fanbase, the hordes of which you make up but a figment. Instead of a week of moping and daydreaming, now you have a lifetime of a hilarious story. Plus, and here’s the amazing part: you aren’t daydreaming about what you would say anymore, because, how could anything possibly be better than a joke about being regular? Seriously.

After enough awkward things have been said by me, I started to get a sense of which rejections were rejections and which weren’t. I started to learn for myself which ones I cared about, and which I wanted to push harder on. This sentence is mushy, so close your ears and hum if you hate mushiness: I realized that who I cared about was someone who wouldn’t reject me at all, and, well, she didn’t. Ha! Tricked you! The humming does nothing, you can still read anyway!

And, frankly, I realized that not only was it 100% un-scary and preferable in the stupid inspirational-poster way to fail than not to try, young man, but I honestly felt significantly better after being rejected than I did after missing an opportunity. It’s not even close. It’s just that only with talking to cute girls did I have an easy, low-downside, repeatable opportunity to test failure vs. failure to act.

I’m serious. Say more awkward things to girls, if you prefer them, or guys, if that’s your scene. Maybe you’ll learn a little life lesson of your own.

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