Awkward Things I Say To Girls

Part 1: Okay, now you have my attention
Chapter 1

I was sitting in the college newspaper office in August of 2001 waiting for the editorial board meeting to start, when the meteor struck directly through the roof of the student center, pierced my heart, and landed, quietly smoldering, in its own little crater on the dusty off-blue tile floor.

That’s what it felt like. Seeing the underdog football team pull off a miracle win with a crazy trick play. Having a police car turn on its lights and sirens directly behind you.

But all that really happened was that a girl I had never seen before had walked in and sat down across from me.

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I’ve had a few DTR-related conversations with guys recently that have made me wonder how many people are afraid, procrastinatory, unaware, or simply confused about how to handle this crucial step in a relationship.

I’m hoping I can help, and, seriously, you should trust me because I run a website called “Awkward Things I Say To Girls.” Clearly I’m an expert on the topic of what to say to girls. I never make a mistake! A “DTR,” or “Define the Relationship” conversation, is generally thought to mean (by me, because, seriously, I don’t get up early enough in the morning to do honest to goodness research for this site, like, for example, visiting another site to see if this is just a thing my friends and I made up) (my friends have compelling ideas, so sometimes I forget which ones are original and not pop culture) (this ridiculous chasm I have now opened in a once strong, true, and unified sentence structure, and the fact that I thought it was a good idea is, by the way, why I will never get paid for anything I write) as the conversation a couple has when they decide to stop hanging out and start calling their relationship a relationship.

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