It’s exciting that so many new people seem to be reading Awkward Things these days. If you are reading this, then you aren’t like one of those people who only come to learn why geeks make good lovers and, like guys who have something early to do tomorrow and, like, need to get going so they can get some sleep, scuttle away without so much as the approximation of a cuddle. Thanks for staying around to hold me.
See, right there. That was a little awkward, right? That’s pretty much how I roll on a regular basis. But if I wasn’t so awkward, I wouldn’t be able to have this awesome website, now, would I? Nope.
So, to help you learn to be awkward like me, I’ve created these four helpful tips:
- Lose any ability to tell how awkward you are being. Feel awkward about asking for the electronica section in a music store, but not awkward at all about telling a girl that you need more of her in your lifestyle. If you have literally no ability to predict in advance how awkward a situation is, you’ll be way more likely to have a ton of awkward conversations.
It’s like if you were, say, colorblind, and your fear of making fashion mistakes plus your legitimate innate inability to judge colors properly causes you to get dark uncoordinated untrendy clothes all the time, if not fully outsourcing the clothes purchasing decision to a seriously un-hip (in terms of young men’s fashion, but in other ways surprisingly hip) mother. Personally I don’t know anybody who would be in danger of that specific problem requiring some friends to stage a literal intervention culminating in an actual shopping trip to, say, Express, which apparently does indeed sell men’s clothing.
Anyway, it’s like that, although that example was 100% fabricated, naturally.
- Be scared of mundane interactions. This is how you get people to laugh at you while you’re ordering a pizza. Maybe normal people are able to confidently handle the myriad complications and ways to optimize information flow during the pizza ordering conversation, but the awkward person will not hesitate to be terrified that they’re going to somehow offend, confuse, or make a mistake when ordering a pizza. The resulting “I, uh, need to make an order to pick up” is apparently awkwardly hilarious enough to cause multiple people to independently burst into laughter.
I don’t see what’s funny, but then again, I apparently don’t know my own awkwardness.
- Screw up the timing. Try this exercise: take any perfectly normal joke. It could be the next witty thing you think to say in response to something someone else says. Now, instead of saying it right away, give everyone the opportunity to drift into the next thought. Maybe if you’re talking to a waitress, let her take one step away before you call your witty thing after her, like you’re giving advice to a kid getting onto a schoolbus.
“That’s why they call it a catfish!” you could say.
Except since the comic timing is totally unambiguously disrupted, she kind of only has the ability to look back at you with a half-forced smile and think, oh gosh, not one of those. Ugh.
And lastly . . .
- Start a website about the awkward things you say to girls.