Why Girls Should Hit On Guys
If you are or ever become a single girl who wants a relationship, and you ever happen to see, meet, or become acquainted with someone you are interested in dating, I would like to humbly suggest that you consider, maybe, perhaps only when the conditions are space shuttle launch appropriate, actually proactively asking that person out on a date.
I know I am being horribly rude. I’m sorry. I intentionally have tried to keep these advice-type posts as gender- or sexual-preference-neutral as I can. I do this not for politics, but for a more practical reason: I want as many people to laugh at what I’m writing as possible. (It sure isn’t so that my advice convinces people. Taking dating advice from me is like taking milking advice from a cow. It happens, but I’m not entirely familiar what’s going on down there, honestly.) So I apologize for singling out heterosexual girls today. Don’t worry, I’ll have something at least as air-quotes “helpful” to say to guys about hitting on girls next week. I don’t have much productive to say about girls hitting on girls, but guys hitting on guys reminded me of a story I need to tell on this website. I don’t know, do you think it fits the theme? Close enough. At any rate, it isn’t as though I personally need to be hit on. I don’t. I’m hoping that’s part of why I can pull this off.
My hypothesis is that guys and girls aren’t so different, really. I’m not trying to be the anti-Larry Summers over here. Well, maybe I kind of am. But when I think about what generally happens when I have asked a girl out, here is what I come up with:
- I decide I am interested.
- I kind of freak out a little bit because I’m scared to death.
- I miss a golden opportunity for whatever I’m trying to accomplish.
- I collect myself or someone encourages me.
- If I haven’t already blown it, and most of the time I have, I muster all of my courage and do the thing I needed to do, whether it was asking a girl out, asking for a phone number, or kissing her.
- If nothing goes wrong, a relationship is born, like e.g. right now. I am literally dating the best girl in the universe ever. Which is where you’re trying to get, unless the first few steps of the process are so incredibly entertaining to you that you enjoy them too much to give them up, in which case you don’t need this blog post and I’m sure that most of my writing is a sad, sorry little academically interesting but abstract study in what must seem to you to be abnormal psychology. Or, contrariwise, you hate relationships and never want to have them again, which, sure, we’ve all been there, and yeah this post doesn’t apply to you either at this time obviously.
I’m pretty sure I would notice if my penis came into play for any of those steps. I don’t think it did.
If you have your own little flirty hinty way of getting your interest across, you aren’t who I’m talking to. You are proactive in your own way. If it’s working out for you, congratulations, that’s all I’m talking about. But here’s what you need to know if it isn’t always working: things that are obvious to you aren’t necessarily obvious to other people. Best-friend-but-not-interested signals are sometimes indistinguishable from please-jump-my-bones signals. From both sexes. I can cite examples. But like I said, proactiveness comes in lots of forms.
Sometimes you have to make your own fairy tale. I know that many girls gaze romantically at their own feet, off of which they expect to be swept. I have heard with my own ears the logic that, well, no guy that I would be interested in would be incapable of approaching me. There are a number of ways for me to answer this one:
- One encounter doesn’t define a person or a relationship. Ask Elizabeth Bennet.
- Maybe the guy who is absolutely perfect for you has been walking around for years wasting his subtly sensitive yet roguishly carefree attitude, muscular physique, and disposable income on other girls, but since those girls aren’t you, everything was all wrong, until finally he sees you and is so smitten by a radiance unlike anything he’s seen before that he’s unable to say anything polite, proactive, or affectionate. Did Han Solo immediately impress or even hit on Princess Leia? No, she thought he was terribly rude at first, and he found her annoying yet hot. But what if Han Solo had never come back to help Luke destroy the Death Star, and was imprisoned in carbonite before Leia had the chance to stop being so cold and unfeeling, as though her heart was the ice world of Hoth? She’d be sitting at lunch with her single friends in New York eventually, talking about the man that could have been yours, but for want of proactivity and plain old bad luck, you let him slip away until finally, because he wanted exactly the same kind of family you want, he settled for some girl not nearly as good as you. And now someone else is married to your husband.
- So what if you have the romantic idea that the guy for you will be the one to be proactive. Guys have the romantic idea that you don’t poop. I doubt that shattering either of these dreams would ruin an otherwise great relationship too terribly.
I’m not entire convinced that the word “Romance” means what we seem to think it means. I don’t have enough data to say anything either way. So, take this step as a “sources have confirmed” type statement. At the same time, I know about the ultra mundane non-romantic-seeming little things that make me feel truly special in a relationship, the kind of stuff that is boring to talk about if you aren’t this girl or generally someone who knows how to write about it properly. None of those people work for Hollywood, unfortunately.
And most of all, good luck never failing. I have talked to several guys about this, so I think it’s not just me, and while I’m sure you might not be everyone’s type and so forth, girls who hit on guys get dates. I’m serious. How many guys are going to say no to a girl who asks them to go out on a date? Our extemporaneous rejection muscles are atrophied. It’s like shooting whales in a tea cup.
March 2nd, 2007 at 8:59 am
Pride and Prejudice reference + Star Wars reference = success!
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:07 am
I actually met my boyfriend of a year and half through a pick up line. A friend and I were talking about pick up lines and I said I had the best one. He turned around and asked to hear it. I told him, he came back to watch the fireworks after the football game, a week later he did the asking out… but I used the pick up line first. ;)
Love your blog – it makes me giggle!
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:24 am
So what was the pick up line?
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Are you talkin’ to me? :o) I teeter between thinking the guys/gals dynamic is complicated to totally not. I read/watch way too many blogs, books, websites, talk shows that confuses the heck out of me. “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “The Rules”, Justin (oh wait…) I’ve been working on the premise that if a guy is interested, they’ll make a move. That there’s really no guy THAT shy. So if they don’t approach, they’re not that interested. To reiterate, I’m a shy little wall flower. Hit on a guy? Shiver me timbers…
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Ha! I’m not necessarily talking to you. I’ve heard this being-proactive-requires-a-Y-chromosome nonsense lots of places before, so this blog post is really generally directed. Your comment reminded me of it, though!
Here are things I would say specifically to you:
First, there’s a whole distribution of things below actually saying the words “Lets go on a date!” that extends all the way down to giving someone a smile that you didn’t have to give them. Maybe, for you, that’s a big yet achievable thing. But even that will definitely increase your appeal, if that’s what you are interested in.
“I’ve been working on the premise that if a guy is interested, they’ll make a move.” – this is false, particularly on a short time scale. The percentage for me when I was single was anywhere from 10% up to 50% once I started to write this blog. There are plenty of guys who always hit on all girls they’re interested in, and there are definitely guys who operate closer to a 2%-10% ratio of action/interest. It’s hard to predict. It’s also hard to say which type of guy is best to date – some of the coolest guys I know would NEVER approach a girl at random.
So, what does that mean to you? If you assume that any interested guy would hit on you, that means that nothing you could do would increase your likelihood to get hit on, so it’s best to do nothing. But if you assume that for every guy who hits on you, there’s another out there who just couldn’t muster the courage on that particular day or don’t yet know that they have the interest, you have to conclude that taking the occassional proactive step, however small, would increase your chances to find a guy you’ll really like.
I could do a whole blog post. With graphs. Actually, that’s a fabulous idea.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:35 pm
There ARE guys “THAT shy”. I was once one of them. It didn’t mean I wasn’t interesting but that I was so absolutely terrified of the idea of the rejection I froze. It was far far easier to miss an opportunity than to deal with the emotional fallout of rejection.
Then I came out of my shell. But I’m still single.
March 5th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I’m sorry, did you just make a JANE AUSTEN REFERENCE?? Are you trying to hit on every single girl in the universe simultaneously? Swoon!
March 5th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
No, no, NO!
Ladies, do not be the one who asks a man out. Men like a challenge. If you ask them out, there is no mystery. Way keeps them going is the not knowing. Not knowing if she’ interested, not knowing if she’ll sleep with him.
There’s a reason why men would rather sit in the cold waiting for a deer to cross their path then to have it dropped at their feet already dead. They enjoy and even need the thrill of the hunt in order to keep them interested.
March 5th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Well, let make something clear. I’m not THAT shy either. I’m no dead fish lying! I’m just comfortable with the boys initiating/pursuing, and quite frankly, I think men like to feel like men at the very root of things.
March 7th, 2007 at 12:36 am
S&M (ha!) — Do you honestly know people who like to hunt deer? Because maybe the rules are different for those people. I don’t know anybody who likes to hunt. Personally, I like to make out.
I’m not certain, but I think we’re talking about two different things, honestly. You can be a challenge and still be proactive. Clinginess is a turnoff to both genders, but confidence is a pretty solid turn-on even for girls, at least for me and from what I’ve observed. If you’ve observed something different, fair enough.
March 8th, 2007 at 1:30 am
I was never the kind to get asked out so I did all the asking. It took a while for me to realise that I’m not half as bad as I thought I look and that I’m twice as funny as I thought I was. If I never asked a guy out, I’d never have gone on a date. A little extreme? Nah, it’s just the truth.
March 21st, 2007 at 2:48 am
Amen!
March 28th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Ok, the more i read your blog, the more envious i am of your girlfriend. not because i want to get in your pants (no offense, i just have never had that face-to-face meeting where sparks can develop. i mean, for all i know, you could smell like dirty socks or something), but because she gets to be around you all the time! you are SO FUNNY.
and every post i read, i think, “ok, that one is my favorite so far…”
and um, how cool is it that you know who Elizabeth Bennett is???? Jeez, do you have a brother? one who doesn’t smell like dirty socks?
perfect use of the Star Wars reference, btw. i followed it exactly.
what was my point??? oh yeah.
i don’t hit on guys. S&M pretty much summed up why. but there is another reason: i am looking for the man who cannot live without me. if he doesn’t ask me out, then that means he can live without me. i’m not going to mess with fate and create relationships which were never supposed to exist in the first place. that is what can also lead to marrying someone else’s husband. also, i don’t want anyone to be my pity date. (nevermind that if a guy asks me out, he could be MY pity date. i dont’ do that. i’m honest up front.)
and guys who feel like this (ie, those guys who can’t live without their object of desire) usually bite the bullet and ask women out. i like guys with cojones, and so do most of my girlfriends. i don’t want to be the person to woo. i want to be wooed. maybe i’m just old-fashioned, but i think that men need to take their balls out of their purse and ask girls out. i mean, if they were really interested, wouldn’t they have already done it? you did it, didn’t you, in order to get your current girlfriend? see???
like the chorus in Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail– “Get on with it!!!” is what I want to yell at most guys i have a crush on. and especially when i can tell that they might be interested in me, too. it’s very frustrating when they dont’ just take a deep breath and ask the girl out. sheesh, if guys would ask more, they’d be surprised at how many girls would LOVE to say yes. no pain, no gain, peeps.
i mean, look at my current crush, Hot Neighbor. granted, our interactions over the past 5 months probably total 10 minutes, but still. it’s not like he doesn’t know how to get a hold of me– i live next door, practically. if he wanted me, he would try and talk to me more. so in some ways, i’m giving up.
then again, he did ask another neighbor how old i am……
maybe he’s rusty on dating since he just went through a divorce….
hmmm…
ok, enough soapboxing. don’t get me started on all this. i can go on and on for days. it’s time to go home and see if i can catch Hot Neighbor while he’s still in his driveway at the end of a hard day……
March 28th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Thank you!
I guess, have you tried it and you ended up with a guy you didn’t like? Are you totally satisfied with the quantity of men you date? Because otherwise, I kind of don’t understand how anything you just said applies to guys and not girls, is my point. Guys find courage attractive, too. Guys like girls who can’t live without them, too. Girls would be surprised how many more dates they get, too, if they just ask.
My girl dropped lots of hints, is one thing. I was nervous, but I knew I wasn’t going in there alone.
Also, I thought the true old fashioned way for women to do things was to make all the decisions anyway, but just allow men to THINK it was their own idea. If that’s true, and you’re just trying to, like, cover up, that’s cool. Just, you know, say a code phrase, like “apple pie” and I’ll get it.
March 29th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
hmmm…ok. i’m still not totally on your boat as far as asking guys out.
BUT you definitely have me on board for the whole dropping hints thing. which i will DEFINITELY do with Hot Neighbor because it’s a good idea. I bet he is thinking he has the following strikes against him:
1. he’s older than i am (um, probably 10+ years…ish)
2. he’s divorced
3. he’s got 3 kids
4. he’s very rusty on the whole dating thing, since he’s just now again on the market (I guesstimate he was married about 5-7 years.)
when in reality, i don’t give a rat’s ass about any of these things.
SO, i am thinking i need to cut him some slack and start dropping MAJOR hints.
some of the hints will include the following phrases:
1. “i can make lasagna”
2. “you can come over”
3. “watch a movie”
4. “whip cream bikini” (Ok, we both know i won’t say that…)
see? i am flexible. maybe i need to start dropping hints more often. thanks for the inspiration, Justin. :)
apple pie.
March 29th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
and just for the record, YES, i have asked guys out. it went something like this:
Me: Do you have a girlfriend?
Him: No.
Me: Want one?
We dated for about 6 months. He ended up being a controlling person who thought he could tell me what to do and where to go. One day, he told me i couldn’t go to a party ONLY because he couldn’t go with me. That was the last day he was my boyfriend.
So, no, i don’t have the best experiences with asking guys out. Maybe I’m gun shy?
April 12th, 2007 at 7:16 am
Hitting on guys always works. Word.
May 8th, 2007 at 1:05 am
When I was younger I was a bit of a wallflower, without the flower, and a girl asked me out, boosting my confidence. I admit i found it sexy at first, her being assertive and confident, but after awhile it turned out that she was just symbiotic bordering on being a parasite. Gahh on clingingness.
Now I find it more sexy for woman to drop hints. And me being dense, the hints have to come at me like a frying pan. I agree with S&M, It does take the “hunt and chase” away. But us being cavemen, the prey to need to be painted with neon green paint that glitters. and even then a tracking device may need to be used. Women: throw more heart shaped frying pans at our heads!!
May 17th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Love the article! Hilarious.
But personally, I prefer when the girl drops those amazing obvious hints and continues to do so until I finally ask her out after I’m completly 1325325% sure. Its the best of both worlds isn’t it? We get the macho male ego boost for being the MAN and asking out the girl, we have a very small fail rate because your almost certain that she will say yes (I once asked a girl if it was ok if i asked her out haha.. she said yes!) and of course the girl reveals that she is attracted to us enough to feel that she has to let us know in some bigger way what we should do without asking us out directly. I think its sexy if a girl drops those not-so-subtle hints towards me.. shows that shes not so shy to let me pass by and that shes interested enough in me to not let me pass by, Us guys may prefer to shoot the animals ourselves, but it certinatly helps when the animal steps out into the clearing for us to be able to see it, not like we have some kind of animal instinct… were guys!
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Such a good advice!
And as a girl, I have to admit that it works.
Ok, it didn’t go well for quite a long time, but over the last months, it’s been really easy.
Girls, make the first step when you really want someone!
Ask if you can kiss them, they will say yes.
Kiss them without asking and they will follow you.
Of course, guys are a little surprised by that, but I haven’t met any who didn’t enjoy it, plus they don’t feel threaten in their “male position” but rather flattered.
If you feel confident enough to ask, he will feel confident enough to answer ;)
June 4th, 2008 at 8:14 am
I confirm. Girls who ask guys on dates usually get them.
But I think I’d rather have a guy refuse than eventually let me down during the, like, third date. You know, that crucial moment where, if you haven’t kissed yet, it starts getting painful to not do it? Imagine being told shite like “I’m just not ready for anything right now” or “I’m putting my classes/career first at the moment”.
I’ve recently discovered I’ve actually become immune to that. Yay! On the other hand, it also means I’m having a harder time trusting guys. Ah well. We’ll see where that leads.
Cheers!
June 18th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Just because a guy says he’s not ready for anything right now doesn’t mean he’s lying. Would you rather he tell you he’s not ready for a serious relationship 3 months later when you’re already completely emotionally dependent on him?
Even if the men who said those things to you were rejecting you, they were kind enough to do it gently.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I’m between the two sides of it =/
But I guess I know ‘who wins’…
Here it is:
Unfortunately, both men AND women have this “hunting” thing, but in different ways.
The point is: usually people like to “feel ‘the price’ you have to pay” to get something. And I mean for many things/everything: for cars, for clothes, for a school course, even for Life after an accident/a health problem and _not different_ for a date/someone.
We (people) don’t like easy things. That’s the truth.
And I go further: there’s a kind of feeling, that in my opinion leads the majority of us, that is a kind of ‘natural rejection’ for those ‘easy things (people)’.
_And then a man, for e.g., can say “yes”, but that “date” probably won’t last too long.
But anyway, “back to the main topic and being practical”:
- If you, girls, want to try leading the situation…
that could make you feel victorious after all, independent of the results; so I agree with Justin in this point. (*although I don’t do this _´cause I’m really afraid of getting hurted. always.).
But I guess you should make them (men) thinking that “they’re the owners” _mother nature explains.
In another hand, Tom said something important: we’re kind of depreciating men’s values when we afirm that “they will never say ‘no’!!!!” (*ok. I won’t be utopic. And I know that in most of the times they won’t say ‘no’, but I don’t want to believe in that ^__^ hahaha. But seriously: it is sad!, when a guy kisses/dates/whatever you, just because he feels he must do it!, don’t you think??)
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I use to say that Attitude is everything. Some people have it, some people don’t. (*I don’t.) But we might try to discover our “talents” and explore it.
In the end of all of this, unfortunately, almost always we’ll have to “play the game”, to “follow the recipe”… But these are for “common ones” (*which my evil side says to me to write “losers” instead _where it includes me, again.):
the world and the human acts work as the same, for centuries.
So sometimes, acting different _but naturally_, changing without expectations by others, could make things work out ;)
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I am contradictory _I’ve just realized that and I apologize you all for it.
But you know,
“More can be less…
“Less can be more…
“Sometimes you win when you lose…
_And that’s enough from me :D
October 26th, 2008 at 2:18 am
This is right up the alley of the members of previo.us which all about dating, rating previous relationships and hating on douchebags!
January 13th, 2009 at 1:37 am
So.
I don’t think what Justin was saying in this post was that women should *always* make the first move. What I got from this was that he was saying there is no reason that men should always, with no exceptions, have to make the first move, simply because they are men.
Now I’d like to tell a story related to this topic.
I met my current boyfriend in a class during our first semster of college. At the time, I had absolutely NO interest in him. But, we ended up sitting at the same table (this was an English class, and for some reason we had tables…but anyway…). The class was highly discussion-based, and we both are very outspoken people. This led to us talking a lot to each other in class, during work times (we didn’t get much work done…). Eventually, we started conversing after class, and he would walk me back to my dorm, and then he would turn around and walk back to his. The first time, I chalked it up to a really good conversation…when it became an everyday occurence, I was pretty sure he liked me. But. I still had no interest in him (or so I thought)…eventually, these face-to-face conversations would continue for HOURS over Facebook and IM. Long and short of it is, he ended up coming with me to help me hunt for pieces to make my Halloween costume (At this point, I finally started to realize that I liked him). It ended up being our first date, although this was not what I had intended. After the shopping expedition, we went back to his room to watch some movies…and we ended up holding hands, and all that cute stuff…a week or so later, we were dating. (its now been almost a year and a 1/2). I kissed him first, I officially asked him out. So what’s my point?
Well, I guess on the official “dating” moves, I made the first ones. BUT had he never walked me back to my dorm, and talked to me after class, it might not have ever happened. We don’t agree on who made the first move. It could have been either of us. I think this is Justin’s point. I didn’t expect my boyfriend to make the first move because he is a guy; he didn’t mind that I made the first move (in fact, I think he’s grateful..he’s kind of shy). Had I insisted that he had to make the first move because he’s a guy, well, we might not be dating now.
whoa. That was way longer than I intended.
January 17th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Thank you Moxie for pointing out how the male construct is singular.
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There really are guys *that* shy. I know because I have a fair amount of friends that have never asked a girl out and could use encouragement. I’m not at the very bottom of the ladder myself, I’m actually lucky enough to have dated two girls last year (not at once, of course), but I’m awfully close. Before 2008, women had to be wearing neon signs before I asked them out. One even replied, “It took you long enough” when I finally did. That isn’t to say I have a black book full (or even a page) of ex-es, just that I have had experience.
Honestly, I’m not astute. I can’t tell if hints of friendship are any different from hints of something else. Not only that, there’s always this fear I’ll screw everything up and I won’t even have a friendship to fall back on. Luckily, some of my exes haven’t felt like forgetting about me entirely but the fear is still there. So it takes a lot for me to work up the courage to ignore potential failure and give it a try.
This past year I actually took control and dated two total strangers. One lasted a few weeks while the other was only a single night. Both much shorter than all my previous relationships with women who I became close to before asking them out. This hasn’t totally bruised my pride, but I’ve learned I either need to keep trying or let a girl get to know me before seeing where “it” can go.
With that as an example I want to say that no matter your gender or orientation, you’re gonna find people who don’t want to be with you. Don’t think that being proactive or the opposite will change this. It is easier to handle when they’re strangers, but my success rate doesn’t prove that it’s worth it (for me) yet.
Some people are into “the game” of dating but that doesn’t mean everyone is. If you are into someone, try to let them know *somehow* by asking them out yourself or dropping enough hints to get them to. There are equally shy women to the shy men, so it might be tough but so long as more people are trying there will be more chances for success (and failure, but try to think positive).
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I just noticed when this post was written, as well as when your most recent one was, so I’m sure my comment won’t get as noticed as I would like but I do enjoy your blog and will subscribe to your RSS feed in hopes to notice when/if you’ll update again.
February 7th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
hey…i like what you all people say it’s like a good mixture..
i have always made the first move..but i always have been rejected..i don’t know why..life is sometime very strange with us..perhaps..i don’t know the boys i liked didn;t deserved me or i don’t know but i think that sometimes it’s good when the girl make the first move because it gives her confidence(well in the case that she’s not rejected)and sometimes it’s good for the guy to make the first move..it depends on the situation..finally we all like to have in us a lil’ bit of romeo and juliet..:)