Awkward Things I Say To Girls


IT ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO SAY AT THE TIME

Why Girls Should Hit On Guys

If you are or ever become a single girl who wants a relationship, and you ever happen to see, meet, or become acquainted with someone you are interested in dating, I would like to humbly suggest that you consider, maybe, perhaps only when the conditions are space shuttle launch appropriate, actually proactively asking that person out on a date.

I know I am being horribly rude. I’m sorry. I intentionally have tried to keep these advice-type posts as gender- or sexual-preference-neutral as I can. I do this not for politics, but for a more practical reason: I want as many people to laugh at what I’m writing as possible. (It sure isn’t so that my advice convinces people. Taking dating advice from me is like taking milking advice from a cow. It happens, but I’m not entirely familiar what’s going on down there, honestly.) So I apologize for singling out heterosexual girls today. Don’t worry, I’ll have something at least as air-quotes “helpful” to say to guys about hitting on girls next week. I don’t have much productive to say about girls hitting on girls, but guys hitting on guys reminded me of a story I need to tell on this website. I don’t know, do you think it fits the theme? Close enough. At any rate, it isn’t as though I personally need to be hit on. I don’t. I’m hoping that’s part of why I can pull this off.

My hypothesis is that guys and girls aren’t so different, really. I’m not trying to be the anti-Larry Summers over here. Well, maybe I kind of am. But when I think about what generally happens when I have asked a girl out, here is what I come up with:

  1. I decide I am interested.
  2. I kind of freak out a little bit because I’m scared to death.
  3. I miss a golden opportunity for whatever I’m trying to accomplish.
  4. I collect myself or someone encourages me.
  5. If I haven’t already blown it, and most of the time I have, I muster all of my courage and do the thing I needed to do, whether it was asking a girl out, asking for a phone number, or kissing her.
  6. If nothing goes wrong, a relationship is born, like e.g. right now. I am literally dating the best girl in the universe ever. Which is where you’re trying to get, unless the first few steps of the process are so incredibly entertaining to you that you enjoy them too much to give them up, in which case you don’t need this blog post and I’m sure that most of my writing is a sad, sorry little academically interesting but abstract study in what must seem to you to be abnormal psychology. Or, contrariwise, you hate relationships and never want to have them again, which, sure, we’ve all been there, and yeah this post doesn’t apply to you either at this time obviously.

I’m pretty sure I would notice if my penis came into play for any of those steps. I don’t think it did.

If you have your own little flirty hinty way of getting your interest across, you aren’t who I’m talking to. You are proactive in your own way. If it’s working out for you, congratulations, that’s all I’m talking about. But here’s what you need to know if it isn’t always working: things that are obvious to you aren’t necessarily obvious to other people. Best-friend-but-not-interested signals are sometimes indistinguishable from please-jump-my-bones signals. From both sexes. I can cite examples. But like I said, proactiveness comes in lots of forms.

Sometimes you have to make your own fairy tale. I know that many girls gaze romantically at their own feet, off of which they expect to be swept. I have heard with my own ears the logic that, well, no guy that I would be interested in would be incapable of approaching me. There are a number of ways for me to answer this one:

  • One encounter doesn’t define a person or a relationship. Ask Elizabeth Bennet.
  • Maybe the guy who is absolutely perfect for you has been walking around for years wasting his subtly sensitive yet roguishly carefree attitude, muscular physique, and disposable income on other girls, but since those girls aren’t you, everything was all wrong, until finally he sees you and is so smitten by a radiance unlike anything he’s seen before that he’s unable to say anything polite, proactive, or affectionate. Did Han Solo immediately impress or even hit on Princess Leia? No, she thought he was terribly rude at first, and he found her annoying yet hot. But what if Han Solo had never come back to help Luke destroy the Death Star, and was imprisoned in carbonite before Leia had the chance to stop being so cold and unfeeling, as though her heart was the ice world of Hoth? She’d be sitting at lunch with her single friends in New York eventually, talking about the man that could have been yours, but for want of proactivity and plain old bad luck, you let him slip away until finally, because he wanted exactly the same kind of family you want, he settled for some girl not nearly as good as you. And now someone else is married to your husband.
  • So what if you have the romantic idea that the guy for you will be the one to be proactive. Guys have the romantic idea that you don’t poop. I doubt that shattering either of these dreams would ruin an otherwise great relationship too terribly.

I’m not entire convinced that the word “Romance” means what we seem to think it means. I don’t have enough data to say anything either way. So, take this step as a “sources have confirmed” type statement. At the same time, I know about the ultra mundane non-romantic-seeming little things that make me feel truly special in a relationship, the kind of stuff that is boring to talk about if you aren’t this girl or generally someone who knows how to write about it properly. None of those people work for Hollywood, unfortunately.

And most of all, good luck never failing. I have talked to several guys about this, so I think it’s not just me, and while I’m sure you might not be everyone’s type and so forth, girls who hit on guys get dates. I’m serious. How many guys are going to say no to a girl who asks them to go out on a date? Our extemporaneous rejection muscles are atrophied. It’s like shooting whales in a tea cup.

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