as for me, my current bf and i kinda both made the first move. he was a friend of a friend and made the first move by coming up to talk to me and getting my number. now he says that as soon as he saw me he was interested, but he didnt totally go for it all at once. then once he had my number and we were talking i was the one that made the plans for the first time we went out just the 2 of us… and i dont think it ruined the “chase” for him since that was almost a year ago and we r going strong….. btw he actually does hunt deer

There really are guys *that* shy. I know because I have a fair amount of friends that have never asked a girl out and could use encouragement. I’m not at the very bottom of the ladder myself, I’m actually lucky enough to have dated two girls last year (not at once, of course), but I’m awfully close. Before 2008, women had to be wearing neon signs before I asked them out. One even replied, “It took you long enough” when I finally did. That isn’t to say I have a black book full (or even a page) of ex-es, just that I have had experience.

Honestly, I’m not astute. I can’t tell if hints of friendship are any different from hints of something else. Not only that, there’s always this fear I’ll screw everything up and I won’t even have a friendship to fall back on. Luckily, some of my exes haven’t felt like forgetting about me entirely but the fear is still there. So it takes a lot for me to work up the courage to ignore potential failure and give it a try.

This past year I actually took control and dated two total strangers. One lasted a few weeks while the other was only a single night. Both much shorter than all my previous relationships with women who I became close to before asking them out. This hasn’t totally bruised my pride, but I’ve learned I either need to keep trying or let a girl get to know me before seeing where “it” can go.

With that as an example I want to say that no matter your gender or orientation, you’re gonna find people who don’t want to be with you. Don’t think that being proactive or the opposite will change this. It is easier to handle when they’re strangers, but my success rate doesn’t prove that it’s worth it (for me) yet.

Some people are into “the game” of dating but that doesn’t mean everyone is. If you are into someone, try to let them know *somehow* by asking them out yourself or dropping enough hints to get them to. There are equally shy women to the shy men, so it might be tough but so long as more people are trying there will be more chances for success (and failure, but try to think positive).

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I just noticed when this post was written, as well as when your most recent one was, so I’m sure my comment won’t get as noticed as I would like but I do enjoy your blog and will subscribe to your RSS feed in hopes to notice when/if you’ll update again.

I don’t think what Justin was saying in this post was that women should *always* make the first move. What I got from this was that he was saying there is no reason that men should always, with no exceptions, have to make the first move, simply because they are men.

Now I’d like to tell a story related to this topic.

I met my current boyfriend in a class during our first semster of college. At the time, I had absolutely NO interest in him. But, we ended up sitting at the same table (this was an English class, and for some reason we had tables…but anyway…). The class was highly discussion-based, and we both are very outspoken people. This led to us talking a lot to each other in class, during work times (we didn’t get much work done…). Eventually, we started conversing after class, and he would walk me back to my dorm, and then he would turn around and walk back to his. The first time, I chalked it up to a really good conversation…when it became an everyday occurence, I was pretty sure he liked me. But. I still had no interest in him (or so I thought)…eventually, these face-to-face conversations would continue for HOURS over Facebook and IM. Long and short of it is, he ended up coming with me to help me hunt for pieces to make my Halloween costume (At this point, I finally started to realize that I liked him). It ended up being our first date, although this was not what I had intended. After the shopping expedition, we went back to his room to watch some movies…and we ended up holding hands, and all that cute stuff…a week or so later, we were dating. (its now been almost a year and a 1/2). I kissed him first, I officially asked him out. So what’s my point?

Well, I guess on the official “dating” moves, I made the first ones. BUT had he never walked me back to my dorm, and talked to me after class, it might not have ever happened. We don’t agree on who made the first move. It could have been either of us. I think this is Justin’s point. I didn’t expect my boyfriend to make the first move because he is a guy; he didn’t mind that I made the first move (in fact, I think he’s grateful..he’s kind of shy). Had I insisted that he had to make the first move because he’s a guy, well, we might not be dating now.

whoa. That was way longer than I intended.

Unfortunately, both men AND women have this “hunting” thing, but in different ways.

The point is: usually people like to “feel ‘the price’ you have to pay” to get something. And I mean for many things/everything: for cars, for clothes, for a school course, even for Life after an accident/a health problem and _not different_ for a date/someone.

We (people) don’t like easy things. That’s the truth.
And I go further: there’s a kind of feeling, that in my opinion leads the majority of us, that is a kind of ‘natural rejection’ for those ‘easy things (people)’.
_And then a man, for e.g., can say “yes”, but that “date” probably won’t last too long.

But anyway, “back to the main topic and being practical”:

- If you, girls, want to try leading the situation…

that could make you feel victorious after all, independent of the results; so I agree with Justin in this point. (*although I don’t do this _´cause I’m really afraid of getting hurted. always.).
But I guess you should make them (men) thinking that “they’re the owners” _mother nature explains.
In another hand, Tom said something important: we’re kind of depreciating men’s values when we afirm that “they will never say ‘no’!!!!” (*ok. I won’t be utopic. And I know that in most of the times they won’t say ‘no’, but I don’t want to believe in that ^__^ hahaha. But seriously: it is sad!, when a guy kisses/dates/whatever you, just because he feels he must do it!, don’t you think??)
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I use to say that Attitude is everything. Some people have it, some people don’t. (*I don’t.) But we might try to discover our “talents” and explore it.

In the end of all of this, unfortunately, almost always we’ll have to “play the game”, to “follow the recipe”… But these are for “common ones” (*which my evil side says to me to write “losers” instead _where it includes me, again.):
the world and the human acts work as the same, for centuries.

So sometimes, acting different _but naturally_, changing without expectations by others, could make things work out ;)
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I am contradictory _I’ve just realized that and I apologize you all for it.

But you know,

“More can be less…
“Less can be more…
“Sometimes you win when you lose…

_And that’s enough from me :D

Even if the men who said those things to you were rejecting you, they were kind enough to do it gently.

But I think I’d rather have a guy refuse than eventually let me down during the, like, third date. You know, that crucial moment where, if you haven’t kissed yet, it starts getting painful to not do it? Imagine being told shite like “I’m just not ready for anything right now” or “I’m putting my classes/career first at the moment”.

I’ve recently discovered I’ve actually become immune to that. Yay! On the other hand, it also means I’m having a harder time trusting guys. Ah well. We’ll see where that leads.

Cheers!

Girls, make the first step when you really want someone!
Ask if you can kiss them, they will say yes.
Kiss them without asking and they will follow you.

Of course, guys are a little surprised by that, but I haven’t met any who didn’t enjoy it, plus they don’t feel threaten in their “male position” but rather flattered.
If you feel confident enough to ask, he will feel confident enough to answer ;)

But personally, I prefer when the girl drops those amazing obvious hints and continues to do so until I finally ask her out after I’m completly 1325325% sure. Its the best of both worlds isn’t it? We get the macho male ego boost for being the MAN and asking out the girl, we have a very small fail rate because your almost certain that she will say yes (I once asked a girl if it was ok if i asked her out haha.. she said yes!) and of course the girl reveals that she is attracted to us enough to feel that she has to let us know in some bigger way what we should do without asking us out directly. I think its sexy if a girl drops those not-so-subtle hints towards me.. shows that shes not so shy to let me pass by and that shes interested enough in me to not let me pass by, Us guys may prefer to shoot the animals ourselves, but it certinatly helps when the animal steps out into the clearing for us to be able to see it, not like we have some kind of animal instinct… were guys!