Awkward Things I Say To Girls


Hot (Ex-)Copy Editor is Drunk and Online: A Transcript.

Part 3, Chapter 13

On a frozen February Friday in 2003, HCE and her suitemates tried to drink their weight in boxed wine. Think serious motor skill disruption and mental impairment. HCE’s favorite suitemate and best female friend managed to pass herself out, is how bad we’re talking. People were unable to stand. I know because I stumbled into the suite after midnight. I was escorting her other suitemates home from an entirely chaste and sober movie, because I had spent so much time at the suite being platonic that they all wanted me for their platonic own.

Twenty minutes later, I was back home, lovesick as ever, and online. So was HCE, who, recall, is fabulously wasted.

After great personal struggle with my own verbosity and emotional exhibitionism, I have chosen to present my reconstruction of our subsequent Instant Messenger conversation to you un-cut, free of stylistic interruption. Just know that I felt at least a few emotions during the following.

Justin: How’s our girl?

Hot Ex-Copy Editor: Jesus, I don’t know. The suitemates are hindering the entire process, let me tell you. I’m just like, “You don’t know what it’s like to love someone so much that it hurts.”

J: I feel stupid kind of, like I should mind my own business maybe, but you’re breaking my heart, kiddo.

HCE: The problem is that I’m rather candid at the moment.

J: If I came over, would you let me in?

HCE: Nope. Not a chance. She’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all fine here.

J: You all need to pull through so you can manipulate more boys.

HCE: She’s a champ. She’ll make it.

J: You seem lucid enough.

HCE: I’m not a stupid drunk. I am a sleepy drunk, however. And I am going to bed. With worries of others in my head.

J: Okay kid.

HCE: Ooh!

J: Have a good night.

HCE: That rhymes!

J: Hey, am I being dumb?

HCE: Hey.

HCE: You.

HCE: I love you.

HCE: Even if you’re being dumb.

J: You’re drunk, kid. Get some sleep.

HCE: Seriously, I do. And I will get some sleep, and I’ll still love you!

J: I like being your friend, too, but don’t tell me you love me. It isn’t nice.

HCE: Why not? I dooooo!

J: God, stop it! Manipulate someone else!

HCE: What? Are you implying something? :-) Because I am just really damned impressed by my own typing skills at this point.

J: I love you too. That’s why i care desperately and protectively about any of your friends. I’d totally bring a book and read all night while checking on her if you’d let me. Her or anyone else. It doesn’t matter.

HCE: :-) Yeah right.

J: Yeah right what?

HCE: Yeah right to reading books to passed out ones!

J: Not to them, to entertain myself while I watch them breathe! Don’t tell me I won’t, I’ll start walking.

HCE: Well, don’t do that. We’re all close to passing out.

J: Well then, enjoy your night. Glad I could allow you to play with my feelings this evening. I know you enjoy it.

HCE: What on earth are you talking about?

J: I don’t believe that you love me and it isn’t nice to say so when you don’t mean it. Didn’t your parents raise you better than that?

HCE: Nope. They raised me to exploit, exploit, exploit!

J: I’m going to sleep.

HCE: What? And here we were just starting to get interesting!

J: You’re starting to get hurtful.

HCE: What? You’re just perceiving it in that manner.

J: How do you mean it?

HCE: How do I mean what? You’re forgetting that you’re speaking to Miss Intoxicated at the moment, whose only virtue is that she can spell.

J: No, that’s obvious. I thought you were about to pass out?

HCE: Not even close. Why are you so prickly?

J: Because I was pouring out my heart and look what happened. Nothing good, that’s for sure.

HCE: You were not pouring out your heart, liar butt.

J: And that’s only after you insisted that you loved me, which is nonsense.

HCE: What? You doubt me? I’m hurt!

J: First of all, you’re doubting me back, so we’re even. But second of all, we’re not even, because there’s this other guy you should be saying that to. Remember him? Why don’t you give that guy a call?

HCE: Not on a Friday night! We have a no-call policy on Fridays.

J: So you claim affection for others for the evening?

HCE: Exactly.

J: And then go back to dating as usual during the rest of the week?

HCE: Exactly.

J: See, I don’t like that.

HCE: What? Aw. What’s wrong with that system? I looooooooove you!

J: Wow, look how much you learn about someone once you tell them you love them. I should do it more often.

HCE: Yes, you should.

J: I don’t like you nearly as much as I did a few hours ago. That’s kind of nice though, that whole loving you thing was a total pain in the ass.

HCE: That’s not terribly nice, I have to say.

J: Oh, cry me a river.

HCE: Oh, fuck you.

J: Wow, we’re a fun team. :-)

HCE: :-) Well yes we are. I don’t get why you’re mad at me.

J: I’m not. I’m mad at myself.

HCE: Why for?

J: Why’d I fall for you so hard?

HCE: Because I’m the best!

J: Yep! How lucky for your boyfriend.

HCE: Hey, you’re just mad you didn’t get there first.

J: He can have you! I’m happy for him.

HCE: Oh. So you don’t want me? Oh. Well. I guess that’s out in the open now.

J: I didn’t know how much fun you are when drunk. I mean, how can I possibly handle that?

HCE: Seriously. You’re a dick.

J: How am I a dick?

HCE: :-) I’m just mad that you don’t want to make out, that’s all.

J: You’re more evil than I have ever imagined.

HCE: I do actually love you, Mister. And you saying that that’s a ploy . . . well, that’s just about enough.

J: You’re the one that brought up exploitation, little girl.

HCE: Nuh uh, you originally brought up love.

J: You were talking about loving your girl before that.

HCE: One never likes to think that one’s best friend in the whole universe is suffering from alcohol poisoning, does one?

J: One never likes to think that one of the people they admire most in the whole universe has a best friend suffering from such things, either.

HCE: Well that is sweet, I must say.

J: Thus my offer to come take a shift at watch, as it were.

HCE: Justin, you’re the best.

J: Didn’t we go through this an hour ago?

HCE: Whatever. I would make out right now.

J: See, but you’re dating someone else. Now I’m definitely not coming over.

HCE: Aww, you break my heart.

J: Yeah, but, I figure it’d break your boyfriend’s heart, which would break your heart again, and who wants that?

HCE: No one, I guess. But make out! I want to make out!

J: Also, you’re not sober.

HCE: So you want me, huh.

J: Wow, what gave it away?

HCE: I was just saying.

J: I’m just amazed.

HCE: Look.

J: Your powers of deduction astound me.

HCE: You don’t have to get all sarcastic on me.

J: Oh no, what’ll you do, sarcast me back?

HCE: Look, you.

J: Heaven help me.

HCE: I was just looking for some sincere conversation.

J: I like that kind. We don’t have that enough.

HCE: What exactly are you saying?

J: Well, that if you wanted sincere conversation, all you had to do was say so.

HCE: That you want to sleep with me? HOT DAMN!

J: Well, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

HCE: Depends on who you ask.

J: But I guess as long as it’s Friday, though, who cares, right?

HCE: Exactly. Fridays are freebies. So stop by for a blow job, or something.

J: What about sex? Sex is the best kind of sex.

HCE: The best kind of sex is passion that comes in the middle of the night.

J: Like at 4:00 a.m.?

HCE: Like at four fucking am, wrapping sheets and love around you in a cocoon of gentleness . . .

J: That sounds nice.

HCE: . . . in which caresses are like silk and touches are like wind upon a heat-scorched . . .

J: Desert? Is it desert?!!?

HCE: Yes!

J: Wow! I’m not so dull.

HCE: If you weren’t so dull you would have continued it, not filled in the blank.

J: You were doing so well. I didn’t want to intrude.

HCE: Right, you just didn’t know what comes next.

J: No, then comes the typhoon: slowly intensifying the caresses and touches, painfully slowly, but nonetheless intensity increases incrementally . . . I have to go.

HCE: Me too. You’re going to make me have a weird dream.

J: Night kid.

HCE: Good night.

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