Hot (Ex-)Copy Editor is Drunk and Online: A Transcript.
Part 3, Chapter 13
On a frozen February Friday in 2003, HCE and her suitemates tried to drink their weight in boxed wine. Think serious motor skill disruption and mental impairment. HCE’s favorite suitemate and best female friend managed to pass herself out, is how bad we’re talking. People were unable to stand. I know because I stumbled into the suite after midnight. I was escorting her other suitemates home from an entirely chaste and sober movie, because I had spent so much time at the suite being platonic that they all wanted me for their platonic own.
Twenty minutes later, I was back home, lovesick as ever, and online. So was HCE, who, recall, is fabulously wasted.
After great personal struggle with my own verbosity and emotional exhibitionism, I have chosen to present my reconstruction of our subsequent Instant Messenger conversation to you un-cut, free of stylistic interruption. Just know that I felt at least a few emotions during the following.
Hot Ex-Copy Editor: Jesus, I don’t know. The suitemates are hindering the entire process, let me tell you. I’m just like, “You don’t know what it’s like to love someone so much that it hurts.”
J: I feel stupid kind of, like I should mind my own business maybe, but you’re breaking my heart, kiddo.
HCE: The problem is that I’m rather candid at the moment.
J: If I came over, would you let me in?
HCE: Nope. Not a chance. She’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all fine here.
J: You all need to pull through so you can manipulate more boys.
HCE: She’s a champ. She’ll make it.
J: You seem lucid enough.
HCE: I’m not a stupid drunk. I am a sleepy drunk, however. And I am going to bed. With worries of others in my head.
J: Okay kid.
HCE: Ooh!
J: Have a good night.
HCE: That rhymes!
J: Hey, am I being dumb?
HCE: Hey.
HCE: You.
HCE: I love you.
HCE: Even if you’re being dumb.
J: You’re drunk, kid. Get some sleep.
HCE: Seriously, I do. And I will get some sleep, and I’ll still love you!
J: I like being your friend, too, but don’t tell me you love me. It isn’t nice.
HCE: Why not? I dooooo!
J: God, stop it! Manipulate someone else!
HCE: What? Are you implying something? :-) Because I am just really damned impressed by my own typing skills at this point.
J: I love you too. That’s why i care desperately and protectively about any of your friends. I’d totally bring a book and read all night while checking on her if you’d let me. Her or anyone else. It doesn’t matter.
HCE: :-) Yeah right.
J: Yeah right what?
HCE: Yeah right to reading books to passed out ones!
J: Not to them, to entertain myself while I watch them breathe! Don’t tell me I won’t, I’ll start walking.
HCE: Well, don’t do that. We’re all close to passing out.
J: Well then, enjoy your night. Glad I could allow you to play with my feelings this evening. I know you enjoy it.
HCE: What on earth are you talking about?
J: I don’t believe that you love me and it isn’t nice to say so when you don’t mean it. Didn’t your parents raise you better than that?
HCE: Nope. They raised me to exploit, exploit, exploit!
J: I’m going to sleep.
HCE: What? And here we were just starting to get interesting!
J: You’re starting to get hurtful.
HCE: What? You’re just perceiving it in that manner.
J: How do you mean it?
HCE: How do I mean what? You’re forgetting that you’re speaking to Miss Intoxicated at the moment, whose only virtue is that she can spell.
J: No, that’s obvious. I thought you were about to pass out?
HCE: Not even close. Why are you so prickly?
J: Because I was pouring out my heart and look what happened. Nothing good, that’s for sure.
HCE: You were not pouring out your heart, liar butt.
J: And that’s only after you insisted that you loved me, which is nonsense.
HCE: What? You doubt me? I’m hurt!
J: First of all, you’re doubting me back, so we’re even. But second of all, we’re not even, because there’s this other guy you should be saying that to. Remember him? Why don’t you give that guy a call?
HCE: Not on a Friday night! We have a no-call policy on Fridays.
J: So you claim affection for others for the evening?
HCE: Exactly.
J: And then go back to dating as usual during the rest of the week?
HCE: Exactly.
J: See, I don’t like that.
HCE: What? Aw. What’s wrong with that system? I looooooooove you!
J: Wow, look how much you learn about someone once you tell them you love them. I should do it more often.
HCE: Yes, you should.
J: I don’t like you nearly as much as I did a few hours ago. That’s kind of nice though, that whole loving you thing was a total pain in the ass.
HCE: That’s not terribly nice, I have to say.
J: Oh, cry me a river.
HCE: Oh, fuck you.
J: Wow, we’re a fun team. :-)
HCE: :-) Well yes we are. I don’t get why you’re mad at me.
J: I’m not. I’m mad at myself.
HCE: Why for?
J: Why’d I fall for you so hard?
HCE: Because I’m the best!
J: Yep! How lucky for your boyfriend.
HCE: Hey, you’re just mad you didn’t get there first.
J: He can have you! I’m happy for him.
HCE: Oh. So you don’t want me? Oh. Well. I guess that’s out in the open now.
J: I didn’t know how much fun you are when drunk. I mean, how can I possibly handle that?
HCE: Seriously. You’re a dick.
J: How am I a dick?
HCE: :-) I’m just mad that you don’t want to make out, that’s all.
J: You’re more evil than I have ever imagined.
HCE: I do actually love you, Mister. And you saying that that’s a ploy . . . well, that’s just about enough.
J: You’re the one that brought up exploitation, little girl.
HCE: Nuh uh, you originally brought up love.
J: You were talking about loving your girl before that.
HCE: One never likes to think that one’s best friend in the whole universe is suffering from alcohol poisoning, does one?
J: One never likes to think that one of the people they admire most in the whole universe has a best friend suffering from such things, either.
HCE: Well that is sweet, I must say.
J: Thus my offer to come take a shift at watch, as it were.
HCE: Justin, you’re the best.
J: Didn’t we go through this an hour ago?
HCE: Whatever. I would make out right now.
J: See, but you’re dating someone else. Now I’m definitely not coming over.
HCE: Aww, you break my heart.
J: Yeah, but, I figure it’d break your boyfriend’s heart, which would break your heart again, and who wants that?
HCE: No one, I guess. But make out! I want to make out!
J: Also, you’re not sober.
HCE: So you want me, huh.
J: Wow, what gave it away?
HCE: I was just saying.
J: I’m just amazed.
HCE: Look.
J: Your powers of deduction astound me.
HCE: You don’t have to get all sarcastic on me.
J: Oh no, what’ll you do, sarcast me back?
HCE: Look, you.
J: Heaven help me.
HCE: I was just looking for some sincere conversation.
J: I like that kind. We don’t have that enough.
HCE: What exactly are you saying?
J: Well, that if you wanted sincere conversation, all you had to do was say so.
HCE: That you want to sleep with me? HOT DAMN!
J: Well, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?
HCE: Depends on who you ask.
J: But I guess as long as it’s Friday, though, who cares, right?
HCE: Exactly. Fridays are freebies. So stop by for a blow job, or something.
J: What about sex? Sex is the best kind of sex.
HCE: The best kind of sex is passion that comes in the middle of the night.
J: Like at 4:00 a.m.?
HCE: Like at four fucking am, wrapping sheets and love around you in a cocoon of gentleness . . .
J: That sounds nice.
HCE: . . . in which caresses are like silk and touches are like wind upon a heat-scorched . . .
J: Desert? Is it desert?!!?
HCE: Yes!
J: Wow! I’m not so dull.
HCE: If you weren’t so dull you would have continued it, not filled in the blank.
J: You were doing so well. I didn’t want to intrude.
HCE: Right, you just didn’t know what comes next.
J: No, then comes the typhoon: slowly intensifying the caresses and touches, painfully slowly, but nonetheless intensity increases incrementally . . . I have to go.
HCE: Me too. You’re going to make me have a weird dream.
J: Night kid.
HCE: Good night.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:32 am
I’m so uncomfortable right now. TMI Thursday.
August 9th, 2007 at 11:17 am
i really wish i could have seen your reactions during this convo!! omg
August 9th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
awesome…i mssed ur blog
yet creepily hilarious
August 9th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
she really wrote “stop by for a blowjob”? Shit.
I’m totally terrified by your spelling skills. Even when I’m sober, my IM conversations don’t look like that.
August 9th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Wow. Weird conversations. That sucks. Sounds like you could have had her that night too. As for the following nights, nobody knows.
August 9th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
My first post despite reading your blog for awhile now, I have to say this post takes the cake. Really wonder what emotions were flooding through you during that conversation.
August 9th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Wow. I just had a heart attack for you… And I’m starting to like HCE a bit less - when did she get to be such a flat-out tease?
Quick question: Did you get any sleep at all that night?
August 10th, 2007 at 7:26 am
I don’t like this girl. Or, at least, your literary representation of this girl. She offends me and my gender. And you, young man, here are some harsh words for you! Yes, your prose is endearing, but you shouldn’t have encouraged her so doggedly. Shame on you.
Ahhh, but who am I to condemn the blinkered pining of a heart that loves, and the narcissistic monsters created by it?
August 10th, 2007 at 9:18 am
@Katie: If you think there’s any shame in Justin’s actions you’ve never been played (dare I say abused) by someone you cared about. You might find HCE offensive to your gender (I’m glad “Michigan Girl” didn’t stick bt”w, I like her first pseudo-name so much better), but guys do it too. I’m pretty sure I’ve been on both ends before - it’s just human nature, and not at its best.
And Justin - man, I’ve had some nasty IM conversations before but as always you take it up a notch. Waiting to hear how this turned out, if she isn’t also a forgetful drunk I’m expecting some interesting developments ;)
August 10th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Wow.
I kinda hope, for her sake, that she didn’t remember that conversation the next day!
I agree with the people who have said they like her less now…
You could do SO much better than her. :)
August 10th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Here, HCE, have some cake. Care to eat it, too?
August 10th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Your blog was (is) the second hit on google for the word ‘awkward’. That was by far the weirdest way I found something interesting on the net so far.
August 10th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
At the risk of sounding like a defense attorney, I’ll go with Incognito on this one - when your heart’s being toyed with, you aren’t fully responsible for your actions. Otherwise nobody’d ever hear about “crimes of passion”. :)
August 10th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Oh my oh my. So why’s she with her boyfriend at that point in time?
August 11th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
AAAAAH. This is seriously harsh. I feel for you Justin.
Thanks for posting.
August 11th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
My fucking god, your relationship with HCE is *identically* to my relationship (even down to the awe-inspiring ability to spell even while shitface-drunk) with my best friend, the only differences being geographic. I’ve even had the above conversation before, under eerily similar circumstances.
Love the blog, keep up the awkward work.
August 11th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
This chick seems nice, but chicks like her are a total pill though.
Chicks like her just suck the life out of you.
Deck her boyfriend, sleep with her and then dump her ass.
It is definitely not your MO, but it’s the only thing that will get her out of your system.
Then move on.
Peace.
August 12th, 2007 at 11:29 am
The parallels between HCE and my personal vice (woman) are scary as hell. I think they’re a lot more common most people realize. Good to know someone has been there besides me, man! Luckily, I probably won’t ever have to see her again because I’m moving to New York. It hurts to think about, but it’s what’s best for me and I hope you managed to escape HCE’s talons of turmoil at some point, as well… I love following this story, keep it coming!
August 13th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Does HCE not have access to the Internetz? Surely she knows you have a blog? How does she feel about reading about herself? I don’t think she’d like how you wrote about her on this blog. It could kill your friendship, and prevent any kind of relationship from forming. Isn’t it obvious that she cares deeply about you and yet she’s conflicted. That’s how it is for a woman, when you let yourself get close to a guy who’s not your boyfriend. Men are capable of having sex with lots of women without falling in love with all of them. This is not healthy, but it’s shockingly normal. Women are capable of falling in love with more than one man at once. I hate to say it, but there it is. I think she does love you, and she does love her boyfriend, or at least she feels too responsible for him, and doesn’t want to disappoint him, and would feel too guilty to break up with him right now.
That’s my $0.02. :-)
W
August 13th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
To Warren:
This isn’t a live commentary on his life. This all happened years ago when he was in college. To my understanding, that is basically what this blog is; the re-cap of Justin’s various awkward encounters with women. Just thought you should know :-)
August 13th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Yeah i realize that, it was 2003, but maybe, if HCE is still a friend, she’d find this pretty embarrassing.
W
August 13th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Oh the times you’ve had.
People seem to have expressed a wealth of reactions to the following piece, I’m sure that I will probably repeat some. All I would like to say to you is this:
Humans are difficult. It cannot be said that she is “an insult to our gender” simply because there is bound to be more variation within a gender than between the two. I would say that there are some very manipulative men out there too.
I would agree with what Warren said about women having the capability to fall for two men at once (although I would say that men can do that as well) but I do not see that as any excuse for her behaviour. Perhaps the best thing to do with woman that perpetrate that behaviour in future is to say goodbye, quickly, or to state your terms and therefore save your feelings from damage.
I hope you learned from this not that women are manipulative scum but that people cannot control their feelings, only their actions and that it was her failure to control her actions that resulted in the situation.
But love is blind and “there’s no dearth of kindness in the world of ours; only in our blindness we gather thorns for flowers.”
In future just watch out for the thorns Justin…
xxx xxx
August 13th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
Man, I feel for you. (Just run away you lovesick fool)
August 13th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Ah - just realised this was in the past and there’s no running to be done. Still feel for you though.
August 14th, 2007 at 7:47 am
Harriet:
“Women are capable of falling in love with more than one man at once. I hate to say it, but there it is.”
Agree.
August 14th, 2007 at 7:48 am
But it always ends with a shitload of problems.
August 14th, 2007 at 10:54 am
I feel for you as this latest twist occurs. This girl is clearly confused and in her position should just pass out.
Having said that, you have no one to thank but yourself for this. HCE is no villain, she’s a woman. At the risk of offending half the readership (probably more) they cannot be trusted, especially with emotions and especially after a night of drinking.
Based on the transcript it looks like you initiated the conversation. Bad move. As you stated, you were lovesick as ever to boot.
Really though, the problem runs deeper than that. You’ve had your chances with her, I understand that you respect her existing relationship but you don’t choose who you care about and neither does she. Girls, too often, wait for a guy to come in and “rescue” them from a bad relationship.
I’ve this entire blog, probably twice and Michigan was your one opportunity to make something happen with this girl. Boyfriend or not, you have to let your feeling be known early enough that you don’t become the “Boundaries are for losers” platonic guy who she will never respect.
You should have been in control of when and how the feelings were revealed, not a box of wine and an IM client.
Looking forward to reading more…
August 14th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
That convo transcript made me want to give you a big hug.
I feel so sad for you right now.
I had no idea things would turn out that way, I thought HCE was gonna date you and that she’d by really kind and such… not… all manipulative and femme fatale-like.
August 14th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
you were that drunk and you say words like exploitation? I don’t know if i can beleive it.
August 16th, 2007 at 12:27 am
So, I have read every single one of your entries in this blog, all in the past 5-6 days. I found it on a google search for awkward. I neglected summer reading and sleep for them.
It was so worth it. Hilarious stories. Especially some of the ones from your high school, like the one about when you were directing the choir.
I can’t wait to find out what happens next in the HCE saga.
How did you type like that drunk?
August 16th, 2007 at 8:55 am
she said you can come over for making out, a blow job and/or sex?
and you didn’t go?
shit. you were head over heels for this girl. 99.9% of all other men would have been out the door before she finished typing the words.
i secretly wish for her abilities to cause men to writhe in emotional torment. it would be nice for the shoe to be on another foot for once. usually i’m the one writhing……
August 19th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Belle - probably not quite 99.9%. There are good guys out there who (at least, if sober and/or able to use good judgment) won’t automatically take advantage of drunk girls with boyfriends, even with permission.
Cheers for at least trying to be a gentleman, J. All that being said - in spite of all your self-sabotage, and given the torment she’s dishing out, I sincerely hope you got to hit that on general principle.
August 21st, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Len: You can assume that, in real life, there were a hell of a lot more spelling errors on both of our parts. The vocabulary, though, is probably right on. :)
Ryan and JimGimb: I’m just trying to get the word out there. I agree, this happens a lot.
Phoebus: Sure thing!
Warren: If she reads it, she reads it. It wouldn’t be the first girl who’s read about herself on my blog. That’s why I keep things as true as I can.
David: I’d wager that lots of girls would think that MEN can’t be trusted!
Brian and YSHS: I wasn’t drunk at all, which I think kind of makes it worse for me. She was the drunk one. Actually, if you’re in high school, for all you know, being drunk makes your vocabulary awesome. Right?!
VB: But would you use the power of emotional torment for good, or for evil?
August 24th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Drunk or sober I think it’s wrong for her to play with you like that. I think that’s really low and shows some insecurities.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
Amen.
December 29th, 2007 at 12:43 am
cute..sexy cute. lolz evry else had like more intelligent come backs it seems. [lol]
p.s. and no im not blonde…pplz tend 2 ask me that lot
January 15th, 2008 at 9:34 am
if i was new to this blog…. that conversation would not even seem real…