I met a nerdy girl.
“Why don’t you give me your phone number so I can call you?”
“Okay. I don’t know why I got my phone out too. I guess to look at what my number is?”
“Hang on. I’m in the wrong menu. Wait. Clear. New contact. Okay, go.”
“You mean, now?”
I may have met my awkward match.
—
She was so cute I almost sat down next to her, just after my friend had introduced us. I’m an absolute sucker for huge, clear eyes and shoulder-length brown hair. I am even more of a sucker for girls who share names of spectacularly desirable female fictional characters. Let’s call this one Elizabeth Bennet.
“Sit down right here,” the friend on the opposite side of the booth had to remind me. I guess, sure. If you want to sit at a booth where a friend and a stranger are sitting opposite one another, I suppose politeness requires you to sit next to the friend, even if the stranger is remarkably hot. This is not only less anonymously invasive of personal space, but also has the advantage of allowing you to look at the strangers pretty eyes. “We’re just talking about Elizabeth’s boy problems.”
“I know!” says EB. “I’m such a disaster. Boys!”
Fortunately: “I like talking about emotions.”
“It’s just this one boy I like. I can’t get him to want to go out with me, even though I’ve known him forever.”
Well, look, I’ll have that conversation any day of the week. We instantly delved into details: length of crush, average and maximum level of physical contact, potential other girls who may need to be taken out of the picture.
But I had to try for a little movie magic, too. “If there’s not a lot of physical contact, that’s an excellent place to start. You need to be touching his arm whenever you laugh at a joke.”
“What?”
“Well, just practice. Here’s my arm. Look, I’ll tell a joke: A woman walks into a bar and asks for an entendre, and make it a double. So he ‘gave it to her!’ Ha!”
I don’t know if it gets any worse than that, folks. But, dammit, you go to flirt with the army you have. Then again, she laughed and touched my arm, so maybe you should keep your mouths shut. I don’t see any girls touching your arms right now.
“I just don’t know,” continued EB, as I took a swig of my beer. “It’s just that I’m just the most awkward girl ever around boys.”
I calmly swallowed my mouthful of beer, because I’m as cool under pressure as hexagonal close packed (HCP) solid helium. “Oh yeah?”
“Absolutely. They always think I’m too nerdy.” My beer is in serious danger of being dropped on the table. But like I said: HCP, bitches. I set it down. “I think it’s because I’m interested in things like books and fonts.”
That did it, right there. I didn’t know who this other guy is, but screw him. I was asking for her phone number.
August 17th, 2007 at 10:45 am
You are a great writer. This is funny and beautiful, and I think she’s your type, man. Go get her!
I like nerdy weird girls with interests. Fonts? Hell yeah.
W
August 17th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Is this a new one? I’m still curious about the whole HCE… Either way, I’m glad to see you’re starting to post more regularly again - I really enjoy your stories! :-)
August 17th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
That line, paced correctly, is awesome! No need to justify a bad joke you’re doing on PURPOSE! Would have been nice to know the outcome, though you writing this meant you did. Get it, that is.
My biggest fear was that you would ask for a pen, quickly grab a napkin and start to scribble. Handing her the napkin she would read ‘http://awkwardthingsisaytogirls.com’ and it would be over. You would be my hero!
August 17th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
do any of your female friends whom you happen to be attracted to, read this blog? if so, they would totally fall for you and your cute quirkey ways…
August 17th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
HCP, bitches LOL great line
August 18th, 2007 at 4:51 am
I like the “army” that you take along when you gotta flirt. Hilarious :)
August 19th, 2007 at 1:51 am
Nice! So did you get her number?
August 19th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Nerd chicks are the best. I’ve noticed the nerd-dude reality programs in the past few years (Beauty and the Geek, The Pick Up Artist, Average Joe, whatever) and hope that we’ll see some reciprocity in the form of a geek-gal show, other than just makeover crap. (Probably not, though.)
August 20th, 2007 at 9:43 am
Am I the only one who thought the joke was actually funny?
August 21st, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Warren, Jcarter, JNET: Thanks!
Frigga: A few weeks ago. Don’t worry, we’ve got a ways to go with the HCE story yet. I’ll get you all the way through, but I need to keep you up to date on what else is happening, though!
Sumo, Christine: I put the end at the beginning. It made sense at the time, but I dunno. I like experimenting with the flow of these things sometimes. Maybe too much.
Markymark: They do, but I don’t think it works that way unfortunately. I’m fine with it though.
piglet: Duh. I saw a makeover show where they made a cute, quirky Harvard alumna network admin into an NFL cheerleader. It was like painting a smily face onto the Mona Lisa.
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:29 pm
That is just the cutest thing ever. ^_^ It’s so refreshing to see guys who appreciate geeky girls. Yay!!
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:53 am
i love this post. excellent work, justin! funny and honest and vulnerable. love it. that other guy doesn’t stand a chance.
and i thought the joke was funny, too!
August 24th, 2007 at 9:27 am
If she likes Star Trek, just go ahead and propose.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
I love love love that you named her Elizabeth Bennet :)
September 4th, 2007 at 6:59 am
[…] Awkward Things I Say To Girls IT ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO SAY AT THE TIME « Previous Post « Previous Post in Category […]
October 5th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Your an inspiration to man kind, I like your work.
November 4th, 2007 at 10:28 am
I agree on the comments here, you’re a great writer :D
Got on your site checking if I did spell awkward correct ;)
November 4th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I found your page while looking for pages similar to mine. I truly enjoy your writing.
November 29th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
I meant to post a comment on an entry you posted a while back…or…a couple of them [as follows..] when a] you compared a then-current relationship to Czechoslovakia in the 80’s & b] you listed off odd things that you found attractive like boy names and frisbee.
anyway [as if you needed to know the above], thanks so much for the compliment. I’ve been surfing your blog for the better part of the day and am ridiculously entertained with your sense of irony and general non-awkward awkwardness.
hope you’re well.
bailey.
December 28th, 2007 at 6:12 am
Meh.
March 9th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
i also found this while checking the spelling of awkward. that’s amusing.
this is really sweet, very funny, and well written. im a true nerd at heart, haha. nice jane austen reference :D
April 11th, 2008 at 12:58 am
It sounds fantastic. The question is - this post is absolutely new and original, isn’t it? It seems to me I’ve saw it somewhere before.