Sometimes I’m looking at other things. Like eyes, naturally.
“She was super hot though.”
“What?!” I say to my friend sitting two stools down from me at the bar. “You can’t be hot without being smart. They’re like the same word.”
The waitress making a drink behind the bar snorts, smiles, and looks up at me. We make the kind of eye contact that only happens when two people connect at last, hungrily, across the endless void that leaves souls cold and alone.
This is important, because after briefly dating the nerdy girl who I had incidentally met several weeks before writing about her, I am single again. It’s okay, I’m fine with it. I’m balanced and stable and centered and ready to start awkwardly hitting on waitresses for your personal enjoyment. So here goes:
“We’re just talking about Miss South Carolina Teen.” I say.
“Oh gosh,” she says. “That poor kid. What kind of question was that, anyway?”
She was short and brunette, so, physically, she was pretty much my dream girl. She continued in a slow drawl that I chose to interpret as a deliciously timed and syrupy. “I watched the thing as it was happening. Most of the questions were idiotic.”
“Exactly!” I said to her, ignoring my friends utterly. They understand. My friends have met me before and encourage such behavior for their own entertainment. “I mean, answer this question right now: 15% of American kids can’t find the USA on a world map. What gives?”
“Uh. Well. Um. I guess give them maps? It’s a dumb question.” Again, she looked into my eyes and smiled, then started to walk away with the drinks.
“Exactly. See? I totally agree with you.” I totally agreed with her jeans as they walked away, swaying intoxicatingly.
I turned to my friends. “She likes me. Let’s have another drink.”
“She’s married. Let’s get out of here,” said the girl sitting next to me at the bar.
“What?”
“Yep. Big ol’ ring.”
“Son of a. I didn’t even check. Why do I always forget to check?”
“I could tell that you thought you had a little bit of a connection, so I checked for you. That’s what friends are for.”
September 4th, 2007 at 8:05 am
Hi Justin,
Very awkward, you blog. I am loving it.
Please finish the story with your friend. I am hooked, line & sinker.
Regards from SA.
September 4th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Seeing as she is, after all, a short brunette bartender/waitress, she is probably hit on often. Perhaps the over sized, highly visible ring is a contrived excuse to bail on conversations with bachelors she doesn’t particularly like, and she is indeed single.
September 4th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
I have to confess that I have thought of wearing a big ring in countries I’m hit on often because I’m blonde.
Though I would say that as a bartender, it’s her job to be nice and chatty to customers. Increases the tip.
September 4th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
I must admit, I have been divorced for 10 years and I still, at times, wear my wedding rings to ward off advances. What’s suprising are the ones who don’t seem to mind. I agree with JM, it could just be a ploy. It never hurts to ask! Afterall, isn’t that what awkward is all about?
It’s been a while since the last installment of your story…
September 6th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Hey! Hoorah for you being single again and dating..! More fuel for your blog. :)
September 8th, 2007 at 11:48 pm
as queen of awkward herself - really enjoying your blog. =)
September 9th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
I love that you “agreed with her jeans” :)
September 10th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I know this isn’t breaking news, but my waitstaff/bartender friends always say the loveliest waitresses in the sky are hit on constantly and consistently. As such, unless you’re a true player - or very original - they’re on the lost cause side (and do in fact wear those big fake rocks sometimes). That being said, practice makes perfect, and those hotties have seen every move and heard every line, so game on completely, even if she’s just trying to earn her tip… right?
September 12th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
poor dude. damn those wedding rings.
September 13th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
I googled “awkward” and your blog was the second result on the list. That’s a little awesome. I’m enjoying your awkward stories.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:47 am
im with tish…urs actually popped up! now how do i become soooo kewl? :D
Loved ur escapades n ur friends, who have met u before, niiiiice, true friends…
((eagerly awaits next installment))))
September 18th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
What a nice friend!
You could say she Rock Blocked you. Or else she’s your Ring Man.
September 19th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Never argue with jeans!
September 28th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Ha ha ha rock blocked. Cheesy puns are awesome.
September 30th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Good lord….I feel so stupid for not getting the reference initially.
(I think that officially makes me stupid, as if the “F” in 2nd year astronomy was too subtle. Although, in my defense, I never purchased that textbook and…um…there are a lot of stars. Hundreds, even.)
Anyway, maps. Yes. Are a force of good.
October 1st, 2007 at 4:33 am
your writing touches a deep chord. I can’t decide if its cleverly contrived or brutally, hopelessly honest.
I suspect its a bit of both. I enjoy reading it… misery loves company i guess :P
It has the right amount of teen angst (which incidentally doesnt seem to fade with time, hell I’m almost 30 and i still get it)
October 6th, 2007 at 2:21 am
It’s brutally honest. I know Justin in real life. Trust me.
October 8th, 2007 at 2:25 am
It’s been over a month. Don’t tell me you have run out of awkward! Do you know how it feels to check a website everyday and never find any new content? It’s like I’m being stood up by the boyfriend I don’t have. Only worse, because I don’t have a boyfriend (I assume if I did I could maybe make it two days between impulses to check your website).
October 10th, 2007 at 1:04 am
WHERE IS THE NEXT ENTRY. I NEED MORE AWKWARDNESS. I DEMAND WRITING NOW. WHY HAS IT BEEN SO LONG. JUSTIN GIVES CERTAIN PEOPLE THE COURAGE TO LAUGH AT THEMSELVES, TO PERSEVERE. WITHOUT HIM THEY WILL SIT IN THEIR ROOMS, REFRESHING THE PAGE, SAYING NO TO LIFE, FORSAKING POSSIBILITIES TO TERROR.
WILL YOU HELP THEM JUSTIN. WILL YOU HELP THEM.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Seriously, Justin. Tighten up.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Oh, and while you’re at it, figure out a way to monetize all this demand on your site. But that’s just my inner capitalist speaking. Ignore him. (He went to UVa, which goes without saying, I’d guess.)
October 11th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Oh, Justin, please keep writing. I’m dying to find out what Michigan Girl’s response to the poem was, even though I have a good guess…
October 11th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
LOL @ teahouse’s comment! good one!!!
my favorite part was where you agreed with her jeans. that was classic!
and yes, a lot of girls wear the fake rings. i have one, myself. i used to wear it to work when this one guy would be all up in my beeswax. so i started mentioning my “huge boyfriend” with a “nasty temper”. i think i even mentioned that he “carries a gun to work”. eventually, mr. creepy got the hint. WHEW.
new post! new post!!!
October 16th, 2007 at 8:31 am
Justin, I miss your writing. It’s my birthday and I want to read new awkward stories and have none to speak of….
October 16th, 2007 at 9:15 am
^^ hah, “beeswax”…
ANYWHO
yeah, new post new post
October 19th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
I’m so glad people like you exist. You articulate your experiences so well. Keep it up.
October 29th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
hey you! I love reading your stories (: particularly about the pineapple and the haiku haha so spill! I want to hear more juice
November 5th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Justin, I’m about to revolt. This is the fifth of November.
Remember remember the fifth of November, Justin had no awkward plot. I know of no reason this non-awkward season, should ever be forgot.
This is serious business.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
I agree. I’d put on a Guy Fawkes mask and march out in protest if I wasn’t too tired. Or too drunk. Or too lazy. Or had the slightest clue where to find a Guy Fawkes mask at this time of night.
Ah hell, I’ll just sit here and mope instead.
December 20th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
^_^ You’re so cute.