Trust me, these kinds of chapters hurt me more than they hurt you.
Part 3 of 5, Chapter 17
I broke her gaze and looked down at the box of relationship-droppings, outside her dorm room. “You broke up with him.” Junior Midshipman Obvious, sir, reporting for duty aboard the USS No Kidding. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine as soon as I get everything that was his out of my life,” HCE said. “Here, you can help. Find his books in the shelf and put them in the box.”
“Which ones are his?”
“Which ones are stupid? At least give me some good news. How is your girlfriend?”
“The internship was great, but I’m not offering her a permanent position with the firm. I gave her the ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you’ speech today.”
HCE glanced up at me with a look I refused to try to interpret. “Really?” she asked. “Are you okay?”
“As long as I’m here with the girl of my dreams, how could I not be?”
She giggled. “How do you feel about cheap vodka and Mountain Dew, to celebrate our emancipation? It’s all I have to drink, unfortunately, but it’s exactly what I feel like right now.”
“Rockin’. Let’s party like it’s 1863.”
The box packed and shifted to a remote corner of the suite, we deployed Scrabble on her bed and commenced punishing our taste buds. I hate Mountain Dew, but when mixed with cheap sick-feeling vodka, it was terrible and perfect.
“Why did you break up with her?” she asked.
I decided not to lie.
“I told her that I was in love with you instead, and I couldn’t date her anymore.” I felt detached. HCE’s laptop was playing jazz on her desk, giving heft to the subsequent silence.
She looked touched. “Why did you say that?”
I have found that there is a stable equilibrium associated with loving someone you can’t have. Every time HCE’s hair was in her eyes but I wasn’t brushing it out with my fingertips, every time she made me laugh so hard but I wasn’t telling her how it reminded me that I loved her, and every time I held her without trying to kiss her, I was creating a habit that, when restraint no longer became necessary, was tough to break.
Also, I’m an idiot.
I didn’t look her in the eye or move closer to take her hand. “It’s true. All I do is think about you,” I monotoned, motionlessly. I utterly failed to smile or press her close to my chest. My robot voice continued. “I couldn’t date someone else when you were right there.” I did not then pull away to look in her sparkling eyes, not pausing only long enough to gather a ragged breath before not bending down and kissing her lightly, then more deeply on the lips.
Nope, I pretty much just sat there and looked down as I said those things.
“Oh,” she said.
“But I think she took it pretty well.”
“Okay,” she said.
It was my move, so I stopped talking then.
She’s under a lot of stress, I thought. She can’t be expected to just jump right at another guy who says he loves her. I need to give her time and wait until she’s ready to be with me. Which will be inevitable.
Hours later, fully drunk and after losing to her in Scrabble enough times to seriously turn me on, we groggily climbed onto her bed to cuddle.
HCE flopped herself around to face me. “Justin,” she asked. “I miss him already.”
“Hush,” I said. “You did the right thing. You deserve someone better.”
“Aww!” she giggled. “You mean like you?”
“Uh,” I raised myself up on an elbow. “Not necessarily,” I heard myself say. I paused. Somewhere, deep within my soggy skull, the demonstrably miniscule part of my brain that knows how to get laid was, somehow, losing a fistfight to the section that knows how to be a helpless and pedantic antisocial nerd. “I wish I was able to convince you empirically of the extent to which you just needed to not date him anymore.”
“Subjunctive tense, Justin. You wish you were.”
“Whatever. I don’t want to bias you or anything. You just need someone who deserves you. He didn’t.”
“I need to pee.”
“You’re sweet.”
“No, you need to move, because I need to pee. Whoa. Oof, your elbow is not helping.”
At that time, it was around two in the morning.
Opinions differ about how close I was to kissing HCE that night in the spring of 2003. Some say it was just a matter of actually trying. A minority who know the situation more intimately dissent, citing HCE’s flirty attention-seeking nature.
Unfortunately, we will never know, because I’m about to do the stupidest thing since Napoleon invaded Russia, and at least we got a Tchaikovsky Overture out of that mistake. I didn’t get a damn thing.
As HCE wavered off to the bathroom, I caught her best friend and suitemate walking to her own room. “Hey,” I said. “Let me ask you a question.”
“Sure.”
“Now that we’re single, do you think a guy like me could get a girl like HCE?”
Land war in Asia. Taking the wind instead of the ball in overtime in the NFL. Removing the restraining bolt from a pre-owned droid just because he says it can help him retrieve more of some cryptic message. Who cares what a stupid friend thinks! Was my confidence really not able to handle this situation?
Well, if I have to ask, the answer is . . .
“No.” She shook her head. I looked away. The suitemate disappeared into her room and locked the door.
HCE reappeared, but my world was already crumbling along with my destroyed confidence. At some level, I believed it was true. “I have to go.” I said.
“What? No.”
“No, I don’t feel good.” I didn’t. “I need to get home, I think.”
The air outside was chilly and didn’t make me feel better. The ground was a boat. There wasn’t anyone on the roads as I walked home. Half a block from my apartment, on the quiet, residential street where I lived, the enormity of the prior moments became too heavy and I collapsed onto my hands and knees. I had gone from holding the girl I loved to deciding I wasn’t good enough for her in a few minutes, and what bothered me the most was that I was convinced it was right. She just wanted to be my friend, I thought, and I was wasting my time.
With tears on my face, I threw up into the grass next to the sidewalk.
A few seconds later, it started to rain. I gathered myself up, let myself into my apartment, and went to bed.
END OF PART III
December 12th, 2007 at 8:44 am
Nooooooo!
December 12th, 2007 at 9:06 am
This story has a kind of bittersweet perfection. Maybe if you kissed her it would have all turned out the same way. Absolutely wonderful writing, by the way.
W
December 12th, 2007 at 9:13 am
Dude!!! you are breaking my heart:-( You actually managed to make a couple of tears slide down my face…this is so sad in a pathetic sort of way. You’re a brilliant writer by the way:-) i’m loving this!
December 12th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Nooooo!!!! Say it’s not true! Say it was a horrible nightmare and that you woke up next to her and she wrapped her arms around you! Awww, C’mon!!
Excellent - just excellent..writing I mean. Not excellent that you threw up in the rain…oh dammit, you know what I mean! :-)
December 12th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
I’m changing my name to Tchaikovsky and writing an overture about this.
You are one of the most consistently brilliant writers I’ve seen on the web. It was agonizing waiting for this entry, as it will be for the next!
December 12th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
It might have been the alcohol, but if your confidence can sway that much from some stupid comment like that, you don’t deserve her until you can push past all doubt. Confidence is key. Believe in yourself above all else. That is the basis of attraction.
December 12th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
ahh this is terrible! it happened 4 years ago though, we feel so behind..
otherwise, im going to act like you havent spent some sizable amount of time thinking about these events over the past years and critique you anyway.
cmon man, i think there is, in fact, a name for this sort of thing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
ah, there. now you know. but seriously, her suitemate?! god, talk about catastrophic.
well, keep it coming, part four should be interesting.
December 12th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
I have not one but two similar stories of total confidence blow-outs just when the time was finally, FINALLY right… I hope you, at least, learned from your mistake! Can’t wait for more!
December 13th, 2007 at 2:03 am
oh my god! im crying!
:[
December 13th, 2007 at 7:53 am
‘With tears on my face, I threw up into the grass next to the sidewalk.’ - after reading such a lovely post & then this…at the end…no man! I actually wanted to start laughing…it’s like one of those movie scenes…where everything is just so perfect & then real life happens!
I’m sorry that that all had to happen…is a bugger up…but like you say…you pick yourself, dust off the bollocks & move swiftly along!
Pucker up, smile!
I love the way you write by the by…it’s just fabuluos! I’ll be back for more…
December 13th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
I remember reading a comment on one of the chapters by one of your RL friends saying you told her “It’s just gonna get better”. I remember thinking there’s no way that could happen and the story is coming to it’s inevitable and possibly anticlimatic end (and I mean that as a compliment - there are few probable satisfying endings to this wonderful romantic-drama).
Thank you for proving me wrong.
December 13th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
I want to know when the movie version is coming out! I certainly hope you’re working on the screenplay as we speak and that’s why we have to wait so long in between posts!!
December 13th, 2007 at 11:55 pm
Oh my. I checked your site in hope of an update…and immediately freaked out and screamed for my sis to shut up.
Your writing is absolutely incredible. I mean, you almost made ME cry and that is rather hard to do.
And come on! Her SUITEMATE! Girls are idiots! I am a girl; so I know!
Also, this entire story has given me the guy perspective of these situations. I worry I may have been…or I am…a high school HCE. As in the way I have treated a certain boy.
December 14th, 2007 at 12:04 am
Oh! Is this in MAY 2003? Cause that’s when she spent a week in your apartment even though she was someone else’s girl. In what month did this entry take place! Oh how I wish it is after May. But it says spring of 2003…and May has the first day of SUMMER in it, doesn’t it? ARGH!!!
December 14th, 2007 at 11:31 am
I’ve been following this for some time and this is the first time you’ve actually made me cry. When’s the book version coming up? This would be the kind of book I wouldn’t be able to put down.
Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
December 14th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
I was looking forward to the update for so long! It’s a bittersweet moment though. I love reading your writing, but this was so sad. =( If you wrote a book on this, I’m sure you could/would make it big in the publishing biz. Hell, I’d definitely read it. Can’t wait for the next update! Hang in there!
December 14th, 2007 at 11:10 pm
thst would leave too amy if’s for my taste. she definately was into you at that moment. She told you not to go. She wanted you there!!! Then again, I’m not the best critic for any relationship.
December 15th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
How sad…: (
December 17th, 2007 at 9:56 am
“Hours later, fully drunk and after losing to her in Scrabble enough times to seriously turn me on”
Hot.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
You need a “Have Box of Kleenex Nearby” warning at the top of this blog. This was so sad. Please write more soon, all I want for Xmas is part 4 of this chapter.
December 21st, 2007 at 5:20 am
Ah, sweet pain. I feel ya brother.
December 22nd, 2007 at 6:48 am
Phwoar. I’m sorry for your pain. I love your work.
December 23rd, 2007 at 2:16 am
ohmygoodness. I love how fucked up your life is/was. I’m quite glad that your misery is so heartbreakingly entertaining. I’m one of those nerdy, awkward girls that has plenty of well-constructed things to say…but only ends up telling crazy moshing dudes at bars that I think they’re morons. …and then my friends change the subject and get me the hell out of the bar before my smiling, drunken little face gets bashed in.
I am glad that guys like you exist.
December 25th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
Two more chapters and we’re at this part already. This can only end in total tragedy. I do not know you, but I have been you.
December 26th, 2007 at 7:24 am
man… seriously. write the book.
December 27th, 2007 at 12:44 am
I agree… write the book.
December 28th, 2007 at 1:24 am
…1st just wanna apologize for my english in advance… you’ll find mistakes all round it. But I’m not to blame. I’m from Venezuela and just learning English.
Dude, excellent story. not tears..just enjoyed readin it. Sometimes, ur writin took me to one of “The catcher in the rye” settings… some others… I was taken into “The rule of four” ambiance.
U make an excellent writer indeed. About the story…we tend to destroy with our feet what we built with our hands -a sayin we commonly employ here in my country.
Wish I could read more stories from you…u’ve got a venezuelan fan!!!
December 30th, 2007 at 2:32 am
Whow…just, whow….
December 30th, 2007 at 5:38 am
Groan. I’m sorta reading your blog haphazardly and then I start with the story and I’m like okay… this is not funny anymore. But brilliant non-the-less! Well done.
January 3rd, 2008 at 4:14 am
haven’t you made us wait long enough for the next installment? you are a great writer.
January 3rd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
pleeeeeeeeeease, an update for new years!
January 8th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Gyaaaahah!!!! Jeez, man, write something!!! We’re dying here- especially those of us who are/have been in the same boat. Send us a beacon of light, or at least dig the hole deeper. We are but rats in your love cage. Feed us.
January 9th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Yes, feed us!
January 9th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Wow, your writing is extremely interesting.
You sound like the perfect guy sometimes, actually caring about smarts as equally as looks. What do you look like?
January 10th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Well, I just found this blog about two hours ago, and I’ve already read Parts I - III. It’s a great story told by an excellent writer. I pretty much ignored tonight’s GOP debate to read this, and I’m a political blogger, so that says alot. I’m obviously in the wrong business, though - no women have fallen in love w/ me for my blog. I’m looking forward to Parts IV and V!
January 11th, 2008 at 5:34 am
Thank God for Ruby and her blogroll! I have been wondering for months what this blog was called! Will commence catch up! I love it! Oh and yeah … you really ought to work on this nerve thing man! Actually, don’t we couldn’t read this then. You’d just have a happy ending and get all soppy!
January 15th, 2008 at 10:08 am
thanks…. completely captivated the whole time… i only wish i could express my feelings like that through my writing, it usually just comes out angry and bitter and when i go back to read it never seems the sames.
again thanks.
January 16th, 2008 at 6:25 am
How can you leave us hanging and destitute for over a month? It’s almost like you actually have a life outside blogging. Someone fetch the chains. Justin needs to get back to the computer, for the good of the people.
January 16th, 2008 at 7:11 am
[…] Gyaaaahah!!!! Jeez, man, write something!!! —Everyone […]
January 17th, 2008 at 5:51 am
Damn… I thought I’d found this late enough that the story would be complete! I didn’t imagine I’d be one of the avid readers pining for you down the bottom of the page :]
I imagine I’d have done the same. I’m JUST as c h i c k e n.
January 17th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Another thing Justin…
Considering your apparent awkwardness, I wondered whether you are at all familiar with ‘awkward turtle’?
:]
January 20th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
i’ll get the AK-47, you tie the roommate to a chair
January 23rd, 2008 at 7:44 am
Bro I’ve just read your entire INAD series. Your writing is sheer brilliance. Your story is gut-wrenchingly sad. I’m waiting in anticipation for the entry that reads “Then I met a woman who totally blew HCE out of the water and obliterated her from my memory like a swarm of locusts being consumed by ten thousand crocodiles. And this new woman fell in love with me and we are really really ridiculously happy together.”
That paragraph (or similar) better come.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I agree — your writing is incredibly skilled. I also just read the entire series thus far and am dying to read what happened next. It’s obvious that, ultimately, you don’t end up together, but I think what is so appealing about this story is your ability to take something we can all relate to and make it seem so intense and significant. Great job of dramatization while keeping it realistic. I can relate with a lot of what you’re writing here!
February 6th, 2008 at 9:22 am
ay . kudos to you mate .
tell us when ya make the book yeah ?
cheers
February 19th, 2008 at 6:39 am
=O but but but NO! Brilliant stuff as usual (:
February 25th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
What? That’s it? You seriously need to post again…please…
February 27th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
oookay…time for a new post!!! I’m dying here!
March 21st, 2008 at 11:05 am
I love you. I love this. Delicious. Bittersweet is always my preference.
April 7th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Hello. I just wanted to thank you for writing all these entries about your awkwardness. I was feeling awkward, so I typed in awkward in google and ended up here. I’m a 19 year old who enjoys multi-variate calculus and maths of all sorts. Last night I ended up sleeping beside a boy who is as socially awkward as I am, but I am so inexperienced at everything having to do with dating that I don’t think I handled the situation well at all. He was trying to be a gentleman and respect my boundaries, but the physical tension was too much for him to be able to get to sleep. He muttered something about genders before asking me to leave. So I did. At 4 in the morning. During the time we were in bed together there was no touching except one of us putting our arm around the other awkwardly. At one point he told me my hair smelled fantastic. I really like this kid, but I’m worried I missed a good opportunity to tell him how I feel, or to make a move on him. Hence the current awkwardness. In any case, I can completely relate to you.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Hey, I’m one of your heterosexual male readers. This blog is amazing and I basically relate to everything completely. Anyway, not to say what everyone else has already said, but you can’t leave us hanging like this! We need some updatage!
May 16th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Justin, I have been reading this blog for a year and a half, and I am agonized by the lack of updatage! I’ve reread INAD at least thrice, each time in the vain hope that perhaps, just maybe, THIS time we’ll get some of Part IV.
My only hope is that you’re writing up all of Part IV as one massive novel-length update, and it’s just mere days away.
+Sunshine