Friends share beds all the time as, like, just friends. That’s not weird.
Part 4 of 5, Chapter 20
I was on my bed with HCE stretched out next to me.
“But we made out four weekends ago.” She propped herself up on her elbow to look at me. “So it has to be our anniversary this weekend, right?”
I took my hand off her hip and brushed the hair out of her eyes. “This is ridiculous,” I subvocalize.
“No, you pick! We have to have an anniversary date. Honestly.” She rolls onto her back while I roll my eyes.
“Be a man,” I say, louder.
She covers the phone and shushes me. “He is!” she says. Then, back into the phone: “Sorry, a suitemate is being noisy. I’m just saying, you can’t have it both ways. You have to pick a date for us to celebrate our anniversary on.”
“I think YOU are.” I say, and reach for her crotch because I want to pretend to check, but also because it’s a crotch. She squeals and sits up.
“Can I call you tomorrow? Something fun is happening here now.” She hangs up with her boyfriend then, who still isn’t me. This is a fact that obviously is failing to bother me to a spectacular degree at that particular moment.
“Okay, mister.”
“What?”
“Please wait until I’m not on the phone with my boyfriend to molest me. It’s just not cricket otherwise.”
“First of all, talk to your boyfriend on your own damn bed. Second of all, I don’t molest you, I just gaze longingly.”
“This is my bed too for this entire week. Now move, I need to change shirts. Don’t look.”
—
In May of 2003, I came to briefly live with a girl I loved but who was dating someone else.
After too few weeks, Hot Copy Editor was regularly dating that boy she had invited to make out with her. I didn’t like him. Where the old Boyfriend had been Tatooine’s smoldering heat, the New Boyfriend was Hoth’s icy stoicism. He bored me.
“He’s boring,” I said.
“Are you listening to me?” she asked. “So they absolutely won’t give me an extension. I’ll have to move out into the street until my lease starts. I’ll be homeless and destitute!”
“Well why don’t you stay with me for a week?” I asked. “My roommates won’t mind.”
My roommates minded. “Justin, that devil girl is absolutely not moving into this apartment.”
“Aw, c’mon, guys, she has no place to stay. She’ll just stay in my room most of the time and she’s absolutely no trouble to take care of. Plus she already promised to do dishes.”
One roommate leaned forward. “I’m interested,” he said.
“Well, this way we could watch her destroy him firsthand. Think of it as ringside seats.”
“Okay, Justin, it’s a deal.”
—
I was as happy as a kidnapped clam with Stockholm syndrome.
There are things about having a girl wash dishes while you dry, fundamental species-consciousness things, things that engage the parts of my brain that are in my chest and that have been hollow so long I forget they’re there until they aren’t hollow for a few soapy minutes any more. Maybe at first you’re arguing about grammar, but before long incidental task-related physical contact devolves into soapsud attacks and water flicking, until you’re mock-angrily facing each other and the only reason you haven’t dissolved into a sudsy puddle of makeout on the kitchen floor is a flickering pilot-light of awareness that one of the two of you has a boyfriend.
This is the sort of ridiculousness that took place all week long. She whispered in my ear to distract me while I took a practice LSAT, ostensibly as some sort of distractibility resistance training, but mostly because it’s fun to whisper in a dude’s ear. I bet her that I could take her bra off with one hand one night, and she let me get my hand all the way up the back of her shirt, our faces close together and my other hand on her shoulder, until one of my roommates stumbled past the open door to my room and we guiltily separated, as though that were the line, that was the point where we grew consciences.
Why wouldn’t I assume that the new boyfriend was only temporary?
July 27th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’ll be honest, I kind of have internet stage fright right now. Anyways, enjoy. I’ve got the next chapter in active development and I think I owe you guys a “what’s up” post sometime this week, too. We’ll see.
July 27th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
YES! Thank you.
July 27th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Good to see you back!
July 27th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Oh my god I am so glad this is back. I have so dearly missed this blog, and the ongoing story of HCE.
~Duk
July 27th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Yippee!!!!
When they make this into a movie, I will tell my friends that I read the original blog.
July 27th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
woohooo!!! :)
July 27th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
YAY! Glad you’re back!
One question — why did this post show up in my feed reader full of this stuff:
Phentermine Worldwice Generic Xanax No Prescription Phentermine Dj Valium Adipex Cheap Phentermine How Does Levitra Work Why Take Lipitor Adipex Makes Me Sleepy Adipex Phentermine Xenical Cheap Cod Soma Didrex
…etc, etc?
July 27th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Sorry about that, momo. I’m having an issue and so some folks are seeing awkward things in their rss feed readers. I’m working on fixing it right now.
July 27th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Hey! Glad to see you back, I love reading your stories :) I was going to say something about reader, but momo already did.
Welcome back!
July 27th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
My god, this feed had almost gotten deleted and suddenly you’re active again! Glad to see the saga continues. Isn’t this a dark and distant past by now, though? :P
Anyway, lets hear the end of this slow motion trainwreck ;)
July 27th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
OMGYESYAY!!1 Thank you for not forgetting about continuing this awesome story of yours :)
–xo.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
You’re back… Yay! Or as we say in Québec: Youppi!
I know this feeling well – reminds me of a certain week with a certain boy in Australia who happened to be sleeping with a certain Canadian nurse at the time. Double sigh (one of you and one for me).
July 28th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Yuss!!! Had to do a double take when I saw a new entry under the feed for this.
Great to have you back!!!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Dude, I seriously think you need to turn that brain-to-mouth filter off… or at the very least tune it down a bit. You have several thoughts that HCE should hear.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I read this story all in one sitting, only to find out it wasn’t just incomplete.. But also hadn’t been updated in months!
I’m very happy to see you’re updating this again! I will continue to stalk your RSS!
Matt
July 28th, 2009 at 11:57 am
OMFG!!!!!111!!1 A new post. I’m in shock. Please don’t wait another year before you post again. Nice try with the “I bet I can take your bra off with one hand”. LMAO. Another great narative as usual, really really glad you are posting again. Can’t wait for the next one.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Oh my god, my life just keeps getting better and better. I kinda prayed every night for a new post. This story is one of the best I’ve ever read, mostly because it’s so relateable.
July 28th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
This made my day. So glad to see a new post! I love you, man. I can’t wait to read more.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Finally! Glad to have you back – been hooked on this site and waiting for a post in ages.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:43 am
AHH!!! was days away from deleting the feed!
July 29th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Oh my god, you’re back, and the story is as heartbreaking as ever.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Just wanted to sound off here. I can’t believe it’s already been a year. This blog has come so close to being deleted too many times! Good to see you’re back Justin.
It’s also a relief to see that your writing hasn’t suffered one bit since you’ve been gone. Nice to have you back mate.
July 31st, 2009 at 12:41 am
Huzzah!!, more to feed my need to know, thanks Justin for the additional chapter! Waiting with bated breath for the next one. Always entertaining.
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Welcome back Justin! I don’t have a feed so have been *manually* checking this blog for the past year….and all the waiting has paid off! Good luck warding off the nervousness – just post, post, post! You write great stories.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Soooo glad to see you back Justin! Wonderful, as always…can’t wait till the next one! I thought for sure this blog was dead, just checked it on a whim today!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:18 am
So so glad I didn’t stop neurotically checking this blog. And that it’s back! Very glad of both things.
And a great addition to the epic. And by great I mean heart-wrenchingly terrible. This story is killing me. In a good way, of course.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Holy sheesh, Justin’s back! HCE is in your bed! :D
August 7th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Wow. Wow. Thanks for coming back. I’m beginning to see how you got to the nightmare situation you teased us with at the beginning of the story…
August 9th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
it’s been to long Justin I almost gave up on you. I’m not sure what i would have done if the story had never been finished… THANK YOU!!
August 12th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Yargh!
I have never been both so pleased and so frustrated to see a new post on this blog. It’s so gut-wrenching I felt the need to post here for the first time since I began reading over two years ago. Very sorry for my negligence :P
Your writing is fantastic as usual and I’m very much enjoying the story.
Thanks for continuing the saga
August 20th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
It’s so great to see another entry after so long. Please don’t leave us hanging again! Looking forward to your next post- please let it be soon!!!
August 23rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
YOU ARE BACK.
THIS MAKES ME HAPPY.
please don’t leave us hanging for another year.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
And get over your stage fright. You perform beautifully.
August 26th, 2009 at 9:39 am
So glad you’re back!!
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Gargh! Goddamnit!
September 8th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
So, I’m sitting here procrastinating a bit for some reading I should do for tomorrow, and something primal in the universe leads me to this page for what I thought would be a fruitless checkup on a long forgotten blog. Lo and behold you are back writing again, and echoing the above, still doing so excellently.
Although, if you leave for another year I may never love again. That’s on you, so you know.
(But really, you have nothing to be frightened over. I promise I won’t hate you.)
September 14th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
yessss!!! the best story-blog-thing ever is back. you light up my life, bro.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
This is KILLING me. I read all of this in one sitting, and now i must wait.
I really am enjoying this blog.
September 20th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Hi. I found you by googling awkward. I am female but have a similar sad story as this one, which I read through from the beginning. Instead of HCN I have HCN ( hot computer nerd). Over the past few years he has peeled my psyche apart layer by layer and put the pieces back in the wrong order. He has also given mixed messages (e.g. I have received both a thanks for being a “friend” and a “your special to me” card complete with a pic of a bear in a heart t-shirt offering a bouquet of flowers and been taken on what smells like a date complete with him opening the doors, paying, flirting and light touching.), and taken my heart out and played soccer with it. I have been friend-zoned and get to hear all about his dating troubles. He knows how I feel yet still does this. When I dissapear he comes back around to get an ego boost, tease me and then back away. I’m seriously thinking of moving far away. Desperate times call for desperate messages. He haunts me. I can’t wait to hear the rest of your story. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? I hope so because an overseas move is drastic and expensive.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:10 am
God dammit Justin, just when I thought I was over you for good…
At this point I fully realize I ought to just stick to checking this site annually, at the rate you’ve been updating, and yet somehow I know I’ll be right back here tomorrow. I wish I could quit you.
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
More? Please? You got me hoping, pleading, praying for more.
I need to know what happens next!
September 26th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
V: “take a look at this blog.”
Roomate: “sure”
(several minutes past)
Roomate: My god, an actual writer.
V: isn’t he.
Roomate: but what the hell is he doing on the blogs?
V: I don’t know, why don’t you ask him.
Roomate: god how explicit. what an exhibitionist. what if she finds this blog? What if the other editors find the blog? how akward…
V: I think that’s in the name of the site.
September 27th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Dude!
Thats all.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
I’ve come a long way since the day I googled whatever awkward combination of keywords led me to your blog. I’m glad to see a new entry, the intelligence within these accounts (from yourself and the people you interact with) is palpably impressive. I, too, will try to restrain myself from getting my hopes up and instead check here irregularly.
Thanks for the laughs, the ideas, and the candid sincerity with which you write.
November 10th, 2009 at 3:50 am
I was really happy in like, August, when I happened to come across your site again and see that you FINALLY, FINALLLLLLY updated us! But come on, it’s been a whole three months since then. WE WANT A NEW POST! [starts chanting] NEW POST! NEW POST! NEW POST! NEW POST!
November 22nd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Seriously, I think the last time I read your site was last year, and I just remembered how much I enjoyed your story. In hopes that an update had occurred I found the site again and my hopes were met with new words. It’s almost December though–get on with it.
February 28th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
pleeeeeeeeeease post more! pretty please? :(
March 9th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Yeah…pretty please :D