Awkward Things I Say To Girls


Archive for the 'Bloggishness' Category

I hope we can still be friends.

Tuesday, May 20th, 2008

Uh, hey.

Look, I know it’s been a while, and I know I didn’t call or write, and I’m sorry. Though it’s little consolation, I want you to know that I thought about you constantly. I only saw other people like half a dozen times, and frankly I didn’t enjoy it and missed you.

There were lots of reasons not to write the blog, virtually none of which I can describe in detail without continuing the extended metaphor much further than is approved by the FDA for human daily allowance of metaphor. However, I do realize that I won’t get out of this week’s blog post alive without hitting three more things:

  1. Yes, I am 100% single.
  2. (more…)

Q & A

Wednesday, January 16th, 2008

Gyaaaahah!!!! Jeez, man, write something!!!

Okay. You didn’t want to do any work today anyway. But rather than fire directly into Part 4 of an ongoing story or take a shot at transcribing any pent up awkward things of which I have several, let’s do a long-overdue Q&A mailbag. The rules: questions, comments, insults, and search keywords that someone used to find the website will be in bold. The silken lyrics of forgotten love songs, which may or may not be awkward, will be in regular type.

It is not is surprise to see that quirky yet relatable blogs like Awkward Things I Say To Girls ran away with Funniest Blog and Most Addicting Blog…
Jon Baliles


I’ve been cheating on you.

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

It’s true. Not only am I guilty of neglect and emotional distance with respect to Awkward Things, I recently completed a collaborative fiction project over at another website. Yesterday we launched another one.

The first was called This Most Recent Unpleasantness. It was co-written by Ross, who runs the whole website and who I have to thank for getting me excited pushing me along occassionally. I can’t think of any better way to get you to go read it than to say that, at one point, I have an awkward conversation with a girl who is turning into a zombie.

I looked down at her legs. Her right shin was in her lap. “Yes, you’ll be fine. Let’s get you to a hospital. And then afterwards, dinner? Is that a thing? Because I’ve always . . .”

She interrupted me again, yelling “I am on fire!” She screamed in pain. “Kill me . . . ”

Obviously this girl just has a problem with listening. That’s okay, though. I mean, communication is something you can deal with in a relationship. “The thing is, I’ve been secretly in love with . . .”

That’s when she spat blood all over me. It was as I was staggering away that she suddenly stood up, broken leg or no, and started shambling towards me, groaning loudly.

The newest project is called Gifted & Talented. This one is also collaborative and first-person, but it’s expected to be a bit longer and is being cowritten by Ross along with Val and Susan, both of whom I am ultra excited to write a piece with. Best of all for me, I get to write in a very different voice than I typically use:

It’s fully morning and I’m fully sober when I walk into the apartment. I don’t even look at my prick roommate before I start busting his balls. Call it a habit.

“Hey, asshole, I ran into your sister at the race last night. I think her butt’s getting bigger now that she’s 17. I like it.”

Now, don’t you worry your pretty heads about ATISTG. I’m practically bursting to tell you what happened last weekend, as soon as a I get the chance to edit the loooooong e-mail I wrote to a friend about it yesterday. But I figure that if I’m going to give you something to do for hours when you don’t want to work, I’m going to need more variety and lots of help from my friends.

I exist!

Friday, April 27th, 2007

I apologize for my unannounced and entirely too-long vacation from writing about awkward things I used to, currently am, or intend to say to girls. Here are some examples of what definitely are not reasons why I haven’t been posting on my blog:

  1. I have become polished and suave.
  2. I ran out of old stories that could be written about. That’s it. The website has all my awkward stories.
  3. I started another blog.
  4. The Hot Copy Editor story is done. Nothing else happened.

In order: yeah right, as if, I don’t cheat, and we’re just getting started. So don’t worry. I feel rejuvenated and refreshed, blog-wise. Life-wise is a different story, but, then again, if everyone went around happy and unstressed all the time, who would be left to create and use the Internet?

One or two contextual points that I want to just get out of the way, here:

  • Those of you who ever previously noticed the sidebar to the right may pick up on the sudden glaring omission in the Cast of Characters. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m still processing and moving on and mourning a little.
  • The Hot Copy Editor story was getting a little intense for me to write, I think. I’m glad I took a step back. But I’m totally ready for another shot.
  • Thank you for clamoring for my return. I know I have appeared to have been turning a cold, callous ear on the cries of my adoring fans, but I thought about each and every one of you the entire time I was spending long hours working on real, actual work (or, let’s be honest, having fun and wasting time) instead of writing awkward memoirs.

So, buckle up. I’ve got a whole backlog of awkwardness, all kinds of (entirely non-personal and in no way to connected to any particular relationship, necessarily) dating thoughts, and it’s a long way from a Lake Michigan beach in 2002 to an apartment not far from a highway in Northeast Ohio in 2005. I’ve got some writing to do.

4 Tips for Being Awkward Like Me

Friday, March 23rd, 2007

It’s exciting that so many new people seem to be reading Awkward Things these days. If you are reading this, then you aren’t like one of those people who only come to learn why geeks make good lovers and, like guys who have something early to do tomorrow and, like, need to get going so they can get some sleep, scuttle away without so much as the approximation of a cuddle. Thanks for staying around to hold me.

See, right there. That was a little awkward, right? That’s pretty much how I roll on a regular basis. But if I wasn’t so awkward, I wouldn’t be able to have this awesome website, now, would I? Nope.

So, to help you learn to be awkward like me, I’ve created these four helpful tips:

  1. Lose any ability to tell how awkward you are being. Feel awkward about asking for the electronica section in a music store, but not awkward at all about telling a girl that you need more of her in your lifestyle. If you have literally no ability to predict in advance how awkward a situation is, you’ll be way more likely to have a ton of awkward conversations.


Getting Out of the Friend Zone: The Easy Way

Friday, March 9th, 2007

Popular mythology would have you believe that the “Friend Zone” is an inescapable Sarlacc Pit of tantalizing doom. The Friend Zone is scary. A guy can innocently befriend a girl1, could realize after the expiration of the new-acquaintence validation period that he wants to date her, but could then find that, due to his delay, he is locked into a thousand years of being digested by friendship, shopping, and talking about her boyfriend.

This trap used to be particularly easy for me to fall into because I was scared to ask girls out, yet I love being their best friends. I do like talking about emotions, after all. After much trial and error, I figured out how to prevent it, how to identify it, and how to deal with it once it’s taken root. So, as promised, in my attempt to provide something of value to my heterosexual male readers, all six of you, I would like to present my tried-and-true steps for getting out of the Friend Zone.


Why Girls Should Hit On Guys

Friday, March 2nd, 2007

If you are or ever become a single girl who wants a relationship, and you ever happen to see, meet, or become acquainted with someone you are interested in dating, I would like to humbly suggest that you consider, maybe, perhaps only when the conditions are space shuttle launch appropriate, actually proactively asking that person out on a date.

I know I am being horribly rude. I’m sorry. I intentionally have tried to keep these advice-type posts as gender- or sexual-preference-neutral as I can. I do this not for politics, but for a more practical reason: I want as many people to laugh at what I’m writing as possible. (It sure isn’t so that my advice convinces people. Taking dating advice from me is like taking milking advice from a cow. It happens, but I’m not entirely familiar what’s going on down there, honestly.) So I apologize for singling out heterosexual girls today. Don’t worry, I’ll have something at least as air-quotes “helpful” to say to guys about hitting on girls next week. I don’t have much productive to say about girls hitting on girls, but guys hitting on guys reminded me of a story I need to tell on this website. I don’t know, do you think it fits the theme? Close enough. At any rate, it isn’t as though I personally need to be hit on. I don’t. I’m hoping that’s part of why I can pull this off.


Being rejected is fantastic. Seriously.

Friday, February 23rd, 2007

This one kind of amazed me when I figured it out, like 6 months ago, when I was still single.

So, assume you’re single. Hold on. First, let me say that the following is a plausible yet hypothetical situation inspired by, like, my entire freaking website, including the posts that are nothing but a twinkle in my notepad file. This hasn’t happened to me. Yet. Keep this in mind.

Assume there is a guy or girl, depending, that you desperately want to talk to. Say, you’re, I dunno, in the laxative aisle at the drug store and this incredibly smoking-hot person is just achingly close to you in the worst way. Your two choices are obvious: do nothing, or say something. We will exclude any alleged choices that could involve eventual incarceration.


Why Geeks Make Good Lovers

Friday, February 16th, 2007

One of the Universal Truths that lie just beyond the fabric of modern society is the axiom that geeks, along with nerds and other peoples who overinvest in intelligence but boast underdeveloped social skills, make the best lovers. Once people realize this, the sexual revolution that will sweep through western culture will make the seventies look like the fifties, and I’m not talking about wider pants. The reasons why geeks are unparalleled as lovers are simple and many:

Geeks don’t sleep around. Geeks, through their higher IQ and therefore greater understanding of the tragedy of human condition, know that the dice only seem to have more sides on the other side of the table. Hence, they instinctively stay loyal to their lovers through thick and thin. Their social skills are also not well developed enough to support an affair, and frankly, geeks generally aren’t quite sure how they ended up with the lover they have attracted. When you date a geek, you know the geek will be yours until you are done.


Slightly Awkward Ways to Meet Interesting People to Date, Way One: Go to the Gym

Friday, February 9th, 2007

You’ve been to bars, but you really aren’t interested in choosing someone to date based 100% purely on looks. Well, fine, 98%. You don’t go to church; the church you go to has only old people, married people, or kids at it; or you’ve already dated someone at your church and, since all the people in your age group at your church are friends, you’re pretty much off limits to all of them now. You aren’t in school anymore, and you’re still annoyed that no one told you how much amazingly easier it is to meet people in school than in the real world.

Work is work.

You might have even tried online dating, but subsequently found that the human brain is incredibly sophisticated in its ability to integrate the innumerable subtle behavioral variables by which each person is uniquely distinguished from each other person, giving live face-to-face contact a tremendous advantage over online encounters when it comes to evaluating and selecting potential dates. Or, you know, maybe you tried and all you met were losers.