Awkward Things I Say To Girls

I’ve had a few DTR-related conversations with guys recently that have made me wonder how many people are afraid, procrastinatory, unaware, or simply confused about how to handle this crucial step in a relationship.

I’m hoping I can help, and, seriously, you should trust me because I run a website called “Awkward Things I Say To Girls.” Clearly I’m an expert on the topic of what to say to girls. I never make a mistake! A “DTR,” or “Define the Relationship” conversation, is generally thought to mean (by me, because, seriously, I don’t get up early enough in the morning to do honest to goodness research for this site, like, for example, visiting another site to see if this is just a thing my friends and I made up) (my friends have compelling ideas, so sometimes I forget which ones are original and not pop culture) (this ridiculous chasm I have now opened in a once strong, true, and unified sentence structure, and the fact that I thought it was a good idea is, by the way, why I will never get paid for anything I write) as the conversation a couple has when they decide to stop hanging out and start calling their relationship a relationship.

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It’s a cold, snowy, Sunday evening in Cleveland 7 years ago. Since no one I know is nearly as interested in the Academy Awards as I am, I decide to go watch it in the dorm common room, where I know a bunch of other people (who I don’t know) will be.

So, just imagine the situation. There I am, sitting on one end of a stupid uncomfortable dorm couch. There’s a cute girl sitting on the other end, and various other people are scattered about. All I really remember about the girl was how adorable she was, mouthing the words to “You’ll Be In My Heart” as Phil Collins sings away. So, I lean over, and say . . .

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I’m not going to say awkward things to random girls anymore.

Don’t worry about your supply of old awkwardness. There’s plenty of that to go around - I’ve already got a list that will last me for (literally) three months, and I’m thinking of things all the time that I want to cover eventually. If I want to write this blog for the next 85 years, I only have to come up with, like, 4,400 more old awkward stories between now and my 110th birthday. I think that’s totally doable.

But, honestly, though I am not entirely sure how things are going to go in the long run with this girl I’ve been talking about all week, I really just don’t want to say awkward things to other girls. I want her to be my girl, even though she’s so far away it’s insane, and the more I talk to her, the more I know I’m doing the right thing. So, no more current awkwardness.

At the same time, I have two additional things I want to add to the schedule.

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I’ve been tagged. And, frankly, it’s about time I let you behind the curtain a little bit.

Also, don’t be surprised if you notice that a Christmas Miracle has happened to this website the next time you stop by. We’re turning it up to 11 over here at Awkward Things, just in time for the new year. Okay. On to the five things!

Thing One:

I’ve had the songs “I Don’t Want To Set The World On Fire” (made famous by Horace Heidt and His Musical Knights in 1941) and “Chances Are” (the first #1 hit for Johnny Mathis) intermittently stuck in my head since around 1997, when the Clover Hill High School show choir performed them together as a medley ballad in their competition show. I was in the band that accompanied them at competitions, but, since they did this part of the show a capella, I didn’t have to play and could just listen.

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Talking to girls you don’t know is awkward. It doesn’t matter who you are.

Then again, my awkward girl-related stories have a repuation. I recently broke up with a (super awesome and definitely missed but ultimately incompatible-with-me (I learned that “incompatible” doesn’t have to mean “we fight a lot”)) girlfriend I had for about 10 months, and multiple friends expressed their condolences, but said they were kind of excited that they get to hear awkward girl-related stories again.

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