Awkward Things I Say To Girls


IT ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO SAY AT THE TIME

Archive for the 'Current Awkwardness' Category

Sometimes I’m looking at other things. Like eyes, naturally.

Tuesday, September 4th, 2007

“She was super hot though.”

“What?!” I say to my friend sitting two stools down from me at the bar. “You can’t be hot without being smart. They’re like the same word.”

The waitress making a drink behind the bar snorts, smiles, and looks up at me. We make the kind of eye contact that only happens when two people connect at last, hungrily, across the endless void that leaves souls cold and alone.

This is important, because after briefly dating the nerdy girl who I had incidentally met several weeks before writing about her, I am single again. It’s okay, I’m fine with it. I’m balanced and stable and centered and ready to start awkwardly hitting on waitresses for your personal enjoyment. So here goes:

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I met a nerdy girl.

Friday, August 17th, 2007

“Why don’t you give me your phone number so I can call you?”

“Okay. I don’t know why I got my phone out too. I guess to look at what my number is?”

“Hang on. I’m in the wrong menu. Wait. Clear. New contact. Okay, go.”

“You mean, now?”

I may have met my awkward match.

She was so cute I almost sat down next to her, just after my friend had introduced us. I’m an absolute sucker for huge, clear eyes and shoulder-length brown hair. I am even more of a sucker for girls who share names of spectacularly desirable female fictional characters. Let’s call this one Elizabeth Bennet.

“Sit down right here,” the friend on the opposite side of the booth had to remind me. I guess, sure. If you want to sit at a booth where a friend and a stranger are sitting opposite one another, I suppose politeness requires you to sit next to the friend, even if the stranger is remarkably hot. This is not only less anonymously invasive of personal space, but also has the advantage of allowing you to look at the strangers pretty eyes. “We’re just talking about Elizabeth’s boy problems.”

“I know!” says EB. “I’m such a disaster. Boys!”

Fortunately: “I like talking about emotions.”

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“That’s what girls like, for sure.”

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

“Wow, Starbucks is empty. I don’t even know what I want in here,” my platonic friend said.

I’m paying no attention to her, thinking about someone else. “Do I still have that girl’s number?” I glance up from fiddling with my credit cards, insurance cards, and ID to make awkward eye contact with the barista. “We’re gonna need a minute.”

“Do mochas have milk in them?”

“I hope I didn’t lose that phone number. I’m going to put it in my phone right now before I screw it up again like I usually do.”

“Yeah, can I have a tall mocha, but with soy? And no whipped cream.”

“Here it is. I’m telling you, she was absolutely gorgeous. Okay Eight Oh Four . . .”

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“Do you like science fiction?”

Friday, June 1st, 2007

I think it’s time to admit you have a problem after you watch five Veronica Mars episodes in a row. In your underwear. While eating ice cream. On a Friday night.

Actually it’s hot, and I am still wearing the very nice shirt which I happened to wear to work today and which I personally like a lot. Bright colors are the new blue shirt (in my closet, at least). Seriously, I have a lot of blue shirts. But I think we’ve discussed previously how freaking colorblind I am, haven’t we? The sheer cornucopial variety of blue tones attracts me so much more than other stupid boring colors do.

Plus, Friday night is the new Sunday morning. I’ve been going out all week, and last weekend was spent travelling. I’m tired!

Oh wait – is this not a personal blog? Sorry, I forgot. Awkward things I say to girls, right. Okay, fine. Here: I predict you’ll really enjoy this one.

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An Awkward Miracle

Monday, January 22nd, 2007

I parked my car at her house, turned it off, and turned to look at her.

She was gorgeous.

In this brief moment at the end of the evening, no one wanted to move. I couldn’t not touch her, so I reached out my hand and ran it through her hair. It was darker and longer than I’d ever seen it before, reaching all the way down to her shoulders before it bent slightly in directions, just barely hiding the curve of her neck. My hand ended on her cheek, and, looking at her eyes, I did what I usually do in this situation.

I froze.

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“Call me back. Bye.”

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

Oh. Oh dear. We haven’t talked about answering machines yet.

I just spent about 30 minutes trying to figure out if answering machines are to me what spinach is to an awkward Popeye, or like what kryptonite is to a socially super-adept Superman. There were pros and cons. I plotted a graph of accuracy versus humor. I was about to make a PowerPoint presentation. But, look, how about you decide for yourself which interpretation resonates with you the most, while I tell you about an awkward phone conversation I just had with a friend, and we’ll just agree to roll postmodern style.

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“It could be, you know, terribly awkward.”

Monday, January 8th, 2007

I paused outside my car and thought through everything. I was about to go pick up a girl for our date, my first first date in over a year. There has to be something I am forgetting. Let me think through it from the beginning.

Wait, I can’t type that with a straight face. It’s a total lie in all possible ways. I am fundamentally incapable of thinking things through from the beginning, which is part of why I think I’m fundamentally incapable of expressing complete thoughts to girls. Ask any of them. This is what I said to a girl last night on the phone: “I’m not so . . . verbally . . . well, you know.” But that’s quite another story entirely.

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Happy Awkward New Year to Me

Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

It was New Year’s Eve, and I was reflecting. It wasn’t a bad place to do it, really – in a bar full of people I had just met, along with my best friend from work. They were nice, although I got the feeling that one girl in particular wanted to talk to me. As in, she wanted to hit on me. Well, maybe. I thought so.

But see, here’s the thing. I wasn’t impolite to her, but I said oh, that’s interesting these things that you are saying, but then engaged in conversation with some other people. Honestly, I really didn’t want to even think about chatting up girls at a bar on New Year’s Eve.

Hopefully you haven’t spilled your coffee mug on any important work papers that you ought to be reading right now, but it was true. I have limits. Even though I was drinking and she was quite tipsy, I kind of just wanted to enjoy talking to new friends while letting my mind wander other places. Like, for example, how have my relationships with other people changed in 2006? Some have weakened while others have grown stronger. But overall, it’s been a year where . . .

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“Are you saying things to me?”

Monday, December 25th, 2006

I’m typing this post from my old bedroom on Christmas Eve. There is an awkward thing that I will get to later on, but first there are two things I want to mention about how my blog is going these days. Sometimes I wonder if I can keep this up for much longer. I mean, I have to run out of things to talk about, right? Then I remember these two facts:

  1. I have a list of old awkward things I want to get to someday, but it keeps getting longer as I think of a thing to write about more than once a week.
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“Let me think about it.”

Monday, December 18th, 2006

About a week and a half ago, I was at a bar with a friend. He’s married, and, lucky for you, I’m not.

A girl sits down with us who my friend knows and who I don’t. She is definitely pretty, but she seems really distracted. I wonder to myself: what is she distracted about? She looks over at my friend and asks the worst question ever.

“Do you think I’m good looking?”

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